Thursday, May 19, 2005

Presenting: The Ramona Quimby Diary!

Dum da dum!

Yeah, so I finally remembered to unearth my very first diary. The Ramona Quimby Diary. Shut up, I thought it was awesome.

If you don't know who Ramona Quimby is, shame. SHAME. See? I use the SHAME technique because I know it works on puppies when they do something bad. In this case, you are the puppies and you should feel extreme SHAME for not knowing who Ramona Quimby is.

Seriously? If you don't know? There's nothing I can do to help you. If you come to me at the reference desk, I am bound by the American Library Association Code of Ethics to help you to research Ramona Quimby to the best of my ability, but in a blog I have no such duty. Why don't you go run to Google and take the first result that comes up, like all bad library patrons do.

Okay, so let's start with the cover. The original diary was kick-ass and looks completely different from today's reincarnation, so I will have to post a picture. Mine looks kinda dirty. I can see that I used to have a sticker on it that has since been peeled off, so I am left to wonder what it was. Scratch-n-Sniff? Puffy? Right near the skipping Ramona's head I wrote KEEP OUT. I took privacy and confidentiality very seriously, even at the tender age of 8.

Okay, inside the front cover are further threatening messages to deter would-be invaders. I like how I followed my threats with smiley-face exclamation marks, the way only 8-year olds can.

Kim!! :-) :-)

YOU keep OUT! :-) :-) :-)

Now, pay attention. The Ramona Quimby Diary people realized that mostly little people in the 8-years-old range would be using this diary. That means that there are lots of cute questions and fill-in-the-blanks, rather than yards of empty, lined sheets. Which could be pretty damn scary to a kid. Wha? I just learned to spell and you want me to fill this page with complete sentences?

So, the diary starts with January. Here are some of the best entries (as originally written and punctuated) and my snarky commentary. It's ok to be snarky to your former 8-year old self.

This year I hope this wish comes true: I pass 3nd grade.

Yeah, this is coming from the kid who got straight A's until high school (that's when trigonometry and other scary subjects came into the picture). I think I secretly longed to be a bad-ass in danger of retainment. And oh, I have no idea about the whole "3nd" thing.

My favorite present was: My Pretty Ponny and head set.

Pretty fonny! At least I had the good sense to capitalize a brand name.

Other presents I got were: sneakers & a ring a stapler, joging suit, pajamas, ear ring's, & a Cabeg Pach.

Again, appropriate use of capitalization, if not spelling, for "Cabeg Pach". And wha? A stapler? The present only my dad could give. I get my obsession with office supplies directly from him. And I don't know what you are doing when you wear a "joging" suit, but it sounds a hell of a lot more fun than jogging.

The funniest part was: The block cassle fell on me!!

Okay. Seriously? I think I remember making this up. I was so distraught that NOTHING funny had happened at Christmas time, NOTHING at ALL, that I made up the most hilarious thing I could think of. When you're 8, a tower of hard wooden blocks coming down on your head might be pretty side-splitting. Today, I might choose to write:

The funniest part was: When I had too many white cosmos at the Majestic and fell in the middle of an intersection on the way back to the car!

Bwah ha ha.

And now for the Breaking News from the RQ Diary:

Dec. 4th 1984

I lernd cursuv writeing.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Obviously - the n in 3nd was simply an over curved r. You are so beyond that.

who's kim?

6:48 PM  

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