Monday, July 25, 2005

Black and Blue and Red All Over

Okay, I never claimed to be Ginger Rogers, but neither did I think that I was a complete klutz. However, multiple physical injuries, all recent and mostly self-inflicted, have lead me to believe otherwise. My husband is to the point where he fears being accused of recreational wife beating.

Injuries I Have Sustained This Month:

1) Huge bruise on inside of left knee. I am terribly embarrassed to admit that I did not get this playing rugby or tackle Frisbee, but during a game of SCRABBLE. I stood up to get the dictionary and practically impaled my knee on the sharp edge of the game table. PAIN PAIN OH THE PAIN. I took some pictures of the board because we were so proud that we used every single tile in the bag. Will try to post this week.

2) I now have a matching bruise on the other side of the same knee because I ran into the toilet last night. I wasn’t even drinking or anything!

3) Gash on big toe. Was walking the dog and minding my own business when out of nowhere this piece of rogue mulch flies into my sandal, jams itself under the strap and pierces my tender toe. I was BLEEDING, and my dog didn’t even go for help. He just sat there adorably, like, “What do you want me to do? I’m not an effing Saint Bernard.”

4) Two bruises on right arm. One is from getting blood drawn, so that’s not my fault. The other is of unidentified origin. Most likely I whacked it on a TV tray. I’m starting to think that I should stay away from all things wood, including mulch and small tables.

5) Pink spot on forehead. Also not my fault, but it adds to my overall pitiful appearance. Last month I had to have a couple of spots taken off my forehead with liquid nitrogen because the doctor said they were pre-cancerous. And I don’t even try to tan! And I’m young! So let this be a lesson to you: if you don’t want to suffer, do not show your doctor any suspicious looking spots on you skin. KIDDING! You should OF COURSE show your doctor, and wear SPF 658 sunscreen whenever you are outside or even THINKING about going near a window. Or a skylight. Or the peephole in your front door.

6) Curling iron burn on right temple. How can a split-second of contact produce such excruciating pain? If I had any pre-cancerous skin there it has been charred to oblivion. Thanks anyway, Doc! It’s all under control! I’m a big believer in home remedies!

All this makes me nostalgic for injuries of yore, such as the one that I suffered one day last year when I was making the bed. My adorable dog barreled into the room, totally in the thick of one of his I'M HYPER fits, and would have leapt from the doorway onto the mattress if my face hadn’t stopped him. Yeah, my FACE.

hard puppy skull + my nose + (speed = 3 feet/ 1 second) = Fractured Nose

I’m planning to stop at Target on the way home so I can purchase a helmet and some of that gear that hockey goalies wear. Will it look more professional if I buy all black?


Blogger Bearette24 said...

Wow, I can't claim a range of injuries as extensive as yours, but I did scrape my palm when I swerved to avoid a rat last night ;) I was on my bike.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery :)

1:59 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Thanks! Fortunately I have not suffered any rat-related injuries, but with my recent luck I'm not ruling it out.

11:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are soooooooo related

9:54 PM  

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