Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Hi, my name is Satan

For a while I was getting emails from someone I don't know. A stranger.

I know, you're thinking, duh. Hate to break it to you Liz, but you aren't special. Everyone gets that-- it's called SPAM.

But this wasn't spam. These emails were from someone named Michelle, and they were written as though she really thought I was a personal friend of hers. She'd forward jokes to me, send her horoscope once a week. She also sends them to her other friends who, judging from the email addresses, are named Char, Andrew, Tommy, Beverly, ilovemykids4ever, and Big Pappa.

Once she even sent me a picture of herself at work, from which I determined that she is a nurse or medical technician of some sort. AND she once sent me directions to her workplace, because apparently we were supposed to meet some people for happy hour.

In Wisconsin.

So I hope she understood why I couldn't make it, although it would have been awesome to show up at the TGIFridays and see the looks on their faces.

Me: Hey everyone! Michelle, you are looking good, babe! Much better in person.

Them: What the...??????

Me: I LUV happy hour, y'all! Can you pass the pretzels? Who's buying?

ilovemykids4ever: Do we know you?

Me: You guys, always kidding around! I totally have my invitation, right here.

Andrew: I think you're confused...

Me: Are you Big Pappa? Let me tell ya, I've been anxious to meet you...


Most of Michelle's emails had religious content. You know, nothing of the fire-and-brimstone sort, but little stories about God's love and miracles happen and Bible verses and stuff. I'm not religious, so I would politely glance at the content and click Delete.

So most people would ask, why didn't you just email her and tell her she had the wrong email address? And you would be totally right! Most sane people would totally do that! But I have a very active imagination, and I started to think that maybe Michelle was some kind of Internet predator who would suck me in, get me saved, get herself invited for dinner, and then kidnap my dog.

Or something.

Plus I figured that unless this woman was totally brainless, she should have figured out by now that she had the WRONG ADDRESS. Or she should have sent an angry email to me, demanding to know why I never forwarded her chain emails to 12 people, damning her to BAD LUCK for FIFTY YEARS.

So one day, after getting another "God loves you!" hearts n' rainbows email, I decided to Do It. I put Michelle on my blocked senders list.

And it pained me to do so. I mean, she invited me to happy hour! And she has to wear sensible white shoes to work every single day!

But apparently, Michelle has God on her side. Lo, in my inbox last night was an email FROM HER with this subject line:


VERY SPECIAL DELIVERY


With trembling fingers I clicked Open.

The message said:


VERY SPECIAL DELIVERY

May the Lord open up the windows of heaven
and pour you a blessing
that you will not have room enough to receive it all.
May the Lord bless you exceedingly and abundantly
above all you could ever hope for.
May the Lord bless you that you may walk in a financial overflow and
May you fall in love with him
for the rest of your days in the Name of Jesus.
Amen!


And at the end:

LET'S JUST SEE SATAN TRY TO STOP THIS ONE!

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL! god is block-proof?

5:28 PM  

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