Friday, July 22, 2005

Requiem for a Basil Plant

So last night I was talking in my sleep. I have been known to do this. It usually results in me scaring the crap out of whomever I am sleeping with, and then deep embarrassment on my part when “whomever” stops having heart palpitations and starts listening to my rambling. Naturally, I don’t feel any embarrassment in the moment. I am blissfully unaware. The embarrassment comes the next morning, when Whomever says, “You will never believe what YOU said last night!”

Now relax. Some of you are undoubtedly thinking, isn’t this girl married? And yes, I am. And I am a loving and faithful wife and will be until death do us part. Amen.

I say “whomever” because sometimes you might sleep with friends or family members, or even co-workers (if nodding off at your desk if something you are wont to do). And by “sleep with” I mean “sleeping in the same ROOM with”, so you can chuck those fantasies you were having about my sister and me. Because REALLY.

Here’s what I reportedly said last night:

So what do you want to do now?

And that was all my husband could make out. Apparently, mumbling is common.

“So was I asking it like I was at a carnival, like whee!, or like I was in a torture chamber, with evil intentions?”

Hubby replied with his best guess, a scenario that I will not repeat here.

So now I am left to wonder what I was dreaming about when I uttered those words last night. Dreams are usually inspired by thoughts, feelings, and experiences, so I tried to think through the previous day to see if I could put it together.

Liz’s Thursday:

1) Had salad with fresh basil. Was delicious. Thought about making something basil-y this weekend since my plant at home is growing to monstrous proportions.

2) A student returned the DVD of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds to my library. I remembered watching it five years ago and how shortly thereafter, I woke up from a nap on the couch to see a HUGE BLACK BIRD hurl his body into the window above my head. Major freak-out ensued.

3) I read Snarkywood during lunch, which snarked mightily on celebrity Scientology.

4) Walking to my car last night I was breathing the muggy air and daydreaming about fall, when the air will be crisp and it’ll be prime time for apple picking and hiking.

5) Saw more bad news about bombs in London on 11:00 news. Wished everyone would listen to Rodney and “just get along.”

6) Right before going to sleep last night I laughed at my husband, who was lying on his back with his hands crossed over his chest. I said he looked like a vampire.

Possible Dream, based on above exhibits:

I am nearing the end of the Billy Goat Trail, scaling a large rock wall with a huge basil plant strapped to my back and a string of garlic around my neck. The air is crisp and clean. My husband is at the top of cliff with a bottle of olive oil. Many, many important things, such as WORLD PEACE, depend on us making pesto at the top of this cliff, and I am determined to get there.

But just as I am reaching for my next foothold, my toe makes contact with fresh bird droppings and I am slipping, SLIPPING, FALLING TO MY DEATH, when miraculously I catch hold of a little overhang and dangle there by one arm, a-la-Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible.

I breathe a sigh of relief, but then I hear a rustling behind me. BIRDS! A big bird with beady black eyes is pecking and pulling at my basil plant and I scream, because he is also dangerously close to my eyeballs. I use my free hand to swat at him and in doing so knock the basil plant off my back.

It seems to fall in slow motion, leaves waving goodbyeeeee! as the wind rushes through them, and when it hits the Potomac River below a snakehead fish snaps it up and darts away. All that is left is the sound of millions of hearts breaking all over the world as our chance for world peace is digested in the belly of a
damn ugly fish. And the smell of garlic, my GOD, the SMELL!

My arm is getting awfully tired.

I sigh and look up at my husband.

“So what do you want to do now?”


Blogger Cole said...

Have you ever thought about writing a book? Seriously. I mean, there are a few of us who seem to regularly read your blog. I'm sure that people would buy your book. Though, we blog-readers may just be weird and creepy.
And thanks for the driving tips, by the way.

1:55 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

That's always been a fantasy but I seem to be too busy helping people find books that other people have written... thanks for the encouragement!

11:35 AM  

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