Tuesday, October 18, 2005

All About Boobs

I've been too busy to post for a while, so despite suffering from writer's block I really wanted to post something today. Luckily I was inspired by Lisa's blog when I read her bra entry. It got me thinking about boobs, and I realized that I might have a few things to say about them. So folks, I have some thoughts on boobs, and then I will present you with hubby's Affair List.

Lisa, I feel your pain where quadraboob is concerned. For those who don't know, the phenomenon known as "Quadraboob" occurs when the tops of the cups are too low and/or tight against the breasts, causing an unfortunate bulging. It looks as though you have two regular boobs, and then two little Mini Me's trying to escape from the top.

I think this tends to happen most often when you have natural breasts, as opposed to the implants, which seem to Refuse To Be Squished Or Moved In Any Way. Although the concept of FOUR breasts instead of two may seem exciting to some males, let me assure you that Quadraboob is not attractive, especially when wearing those Perfect Fit tees from Old Navy.

My sister and I were always battling Quadraboob, as well as its evil cousin, Uniboob. "Uniboob" is the unfortunate phenomenon in which the two boobs appear to be one long boob (usually caused by cupless sports bras). It's actually defined in Urban Dictionary, so rest assured that it must be real (but who's been lazing on the Quadraboob entry?). To prevent Uniboob, I wear this bra when I go to my classes at the gym. It's awesome, because when I'm wearing it The Girls Do Not Move.

That makes me happy.

To prevent Quadraboob, one must typically limit herself (or himself) to full-coverage bras, which are Not As Exciting to assorted bed partners, even when they are lacy and in pretty colors. Or, the victim must search far and wide for the perfect demi or triangle that holds the girls in place while not mashing them or letting them escape too easily.

This is not easy. I have spent many frustrating hours in dressing rooms from Neiman Marcus to Victoria's Secret, cursing and sobbing and wondering when are they going to make a push-button release for these things, already?

(And all the men say: AMEN)

The women in my family are well-endowed. Strangely enough, these generous endowments were bestowed upon women who are pretty thin. I actually had a co-worker say to me once, "You know, I've never seen anyone so skinny with such big boobs!"

At which point I choked on my lunch. Then I swallowed. Then I began listing my family members' bra sizes, from Grandma on down, because I felt the need to prove that I am 100% certified.

"So you see, it's genetic! I've never had plastic surgery. Nope! Not me! Do you want me to draw my family tree for you? Here's Big Heidi, who came over from Switzerland, and yes, she was called "big" for a reason..."

For frame of reference, I am a 34C, and I normally wear size 2-4 in clothing. I guess that's a little mismatched, but I didn't have much to to with it. And in a statement that is sure to drive crazy those women who have always longed to be bigger, I have always longed to be smaller.

Why do we always want what we don't have?

  • Because developing so early was embarrassing.
  • Because I like to be looked in the eye when I'm talking to someone.
  • Because I wish I could wear those spaghetti strap tanks that have built-in shelf bras.
  • Because it was impossible for me to find a bikini that fit me both on the top and the bottom, until Victoria's Secret started selling the pieces separately, with the tops in bra sizes (which I totally thought of when I was twelve, so I COULD have been a billionaire if I'd been smarter. Darn.)
So, yeah. Boobs.

I guess I had more to say about them than I thought.


And now for Hubby's List, which I just got from his lawyer today:

1) Sheryl Crow
2) Debra Messing
3) Emily Procter
4) Emma Caulfield
5) TBA

His list used to be almost 100% redhead/auburn (hello, Roma Downey and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman!), but AHEM, I had to protest one of them since hubby could practically be her father. The list is getting blonder and blonder, so I am feeling more secure. Heh.

Updates to my list coming soon, because holy cow, how could I forget Johnny Depp?

*smacks forehead*

5 Comments:

Blogger bdogg_mcgee said...

Wow, that was a very informative post!

I know exactly how you feel about wishing you were smaller. I was in a D cup by the time I was 13 years old and it was the most miserable thing.

And don't even get me started on people staring at the girls instead of your face. I once worked with an older gay man (very out and proud) whose eyes would constantly dart to my chest when we were having a conversation. Guess sexual orientation doesn't matter when you're confronted with a pair of giant bazongas.

3:05 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I want smaller ones, too! I'm so jealous of girls who can go sans bra, especially in summer. Because, let's face it, there is no such thing as a comfortable strapless bra. And there are some tops that just can't be worn with any bra.

And I hear ya on the sports bras. Except that instead of Uniboob, I get the Great Divide. My boobs wind up under my armpits!

3:13 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

All my blog friends have big boobs! Interesting.

I can't always go without a bra either. I don't need support, but I do need coverage.

3:44 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

The Great Divide! I'll have to add that one to my list of boob rants.

Bearette, you are right. Both support and coverage are important. Unless you live and work in the Playboy mansion.

Bdogg, I once had a 9-year old boy stare at my chest continuously as he asked me a reference question at the library. Staring continued while I found the book he needed. I finally grabbed a dictionary and clasped it to my chest.

I did NOT ask if I could show him anything else.

GAH.

4:07 PM  
Blogger Frema said...

I'm sorry, all I could focus on was the size 2 thing. I am so not a size 2. Argh.

Also, I used to have the same boob issues until I started experimenting with different bra sizes. Now it's all good.

4:36 PM  

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