Thursday, October 06, 2005

Wha?

I will admit that I am completely befuddled by some of the celebrity news that’s been making headlines lately. I’m not saying that we non-celebrities are perfect beings, luckily, because obviously perfection would leave us with some really boring blogs. I’m just… sayin’.

Which, first, Britney Spears and Kevin what’s-his-name having a baby? I wish them the best, but forgive me if that didn’t occur to me as being one of the world’s best ideas. She just seems awfully young to me, and he just seems awfully… awful. But they are still married, which means that they’ve beaten…

…Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush. I had never heard of them before, but I know they are famous and I know they are separating after 5 months of marriage because I have a People magazine right in front of me. According to the article, they met in 2003, which, wow!, means that they may have learned each other’s middle names, pet peeves, and favorite pizza toppings before walking down the aisle. Good job, guys. But it was apparently all for naught, even though they outlasted the marital union of…

…Renee Zellweger and Kenny Cowboy Hat, who got married after knowing each other for like, five minutes? Not that there aren’t moments when I wouldn’t elope with the first person to bring me a margarita, but come on. When you are talking life commitment, don’t you want to know the person you will be JOINED TO FOR ETERNITY for more than 5 minutes? STILL, Renee and Kenny may have earned more sanity points (no thanks to Paxil) than…

…TOM CRUISE and KATIE HOLMES. Oh Lord, just imagine what outrageous behaviors Tom will exhibit on Oprah now that he’s a father-to-be. Which, Lord, please keep him away from my couch, because I can’t afford a new one right now. Actually, Lord, please keep Tom Cruise away from me completely. I know I adored him in All the Right Moves, and I’ll admit I paused the tape at that crucial moment to see something I shouldn’t have seen, but that was a long time ago and I am now desperately AFRAID of the man. I know he couldn’t have drugged Katie, unless it was with some super-potent vitamin tablets, so I’m trying to figure out why she thinks it’s a good idea marry, much less procreate with, a jaw-clenching, couch-hopping, tongue-wrangling madman. Whom she has known FOR ONLY SIX MONTHS.

The only celebrity who seems to be using her brain right now is Paris Hilton, who wisely broke off her engagement to… er, Paris. Paris and Paris. Hee. Which, dammit, because I was finally able to remember both names of a celebrity couple. But still, I give credit where credit is due, and Paris looks like a true genius compared to everyone else I’m seeing on the news. Somebody better sit her down with a number 2 pencil right this minute, because I have a sneaking suspicion that she might be able to score a 1600 on the SAT.

10 Comments:

Blogger Bearette24 said...

Liz, I love your celebrity analysis, although I have to point out that Paris Hilton has, um, not waited to get to the bathroom in public recently. Jenny McCarthy did the same thing on public TV. (I got my info from poppycede.blogspot.com).

10:07 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Huh? I'll check out poppy and see what this is all about...

8:32 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Wha? Why didn't I know about this trend? It could save me a lot of time!

Okay, maybe Paris would score in the low 900's...

8:51 AM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

Hehe, that's what I say...

9:10 AM  
Blogger Frema said...

I'm still saying, I THOUGHT TOM WAS INFERTILE. CAN'T HAVE KIDS. Isn't that why he and Nicole divorced? Because she was pregnant and miscarried and Tom thought there was no way it could be his?

My head hurts.

9:16 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

I never knew why they divorced. Where did you get your information, Frema? I am sooo behind...

9:22 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Thought: maybe it was an immaculate conception via the power of Scientology?

9:23 AM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

Aha, I bet Liz is right.

;)

11:39 AM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

'Cause otherwise...we all thought Tom was infertile...then Nicole got pregnant (though maybe just a rumor?)...now Tom got Katie pregnant...the mind boggles.

BTW, I heard they have timed the pregnancy to coincide with the DVD releases of Batman Begins and War of the Worlds.

11:41 AM  
Blogger Cole said...

That's going to be one very beautiful, but very emotionally, spiritually, and mentally misguided child.

2:10 AM  

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