Wednesday, February 01, 2006

PLEASE listen to the FOLLOWING inSTRUCtions!

I called my health insurance company today because I have an appointment with a specialist on Friday. Although it was authorized by my regular doctor, the insurance company felt the need to send me a letter that more or less read like this:

Dear Unvalued Customer,

Yeah. So the guy was all, "Do you have a ticket to the gun show?" Then he flexes his biceps for me and says, "Well, how do you like these guns?" And I said...

Um, excuse me? Can you please finish my letter? I have important health decisions to make, and I'm depending on you.

What the...? Sigh. Tiffany, I'm gonna have to get back to you. I have to finish writing this intimidating letter.

So anyway, we received your doctor's authorization to visit the specialist. But remember, it is YOUR responsibility to memorize every single word of your health insurance handbook. If you FAIL to do so, you could receive a bill for services that will deplete all your retirement savings and force you to sell your home.

This means that you'd better make sure that this specialist is approved by us. Also? Even if he is? We're only saying it's okay to go SEE him. Any of the following will require additional advance authorization:

1. He speaks to you.
2. You speak to him.
3. You stop breathing and he performs CPR.
4. Pretty much anything else.

And don't even TRY to be sneaky and get more than one month's worth of birth control pills from him, or we will cut you, bitch.


Your Loving HMO

Okay, so maybe I am exaggerating a little. But when I took the bait and called them today? This is the recording I heard:

Hello! We are happy to. ASSIST. you. today!

In order for us to assist you, you will need to enter the identification number that is found either on the lower right-hand corner or mid-left-hand region of your insurance card.

Or, if your card is pink, your identification number might be in microscopic print on the back.

Please listen carefully. to the following. OPTIONS!

Press 1 if your ID number contains only numbers.
Press 2 if your ID number contains only letters.
Press 3 if your ID number has two letters at the end.
Press 4 if your ID number has a letter in the fourth position.
Press 5 if your ID number has five X's at the beginning.

I pressed 8 just to see what would happen.

I'm sorry, we did not PRE-AUTHORIZE that selection! You will. receive. a bill in the mail, SUCKA.


Blogger Bearette24 said...

i worked for an insurance company years ago. pure evil. lawyers are about the same.

yoga teachers are nice, though ;)

8:30 PM  
Blogger Roxanne said...

The purpose of insurance companies is to take people's money and then use their lawyers to right up contracts that make it almost impossible to make claims. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT let yourself get caught in the bermuda triangle of lawyers, insurance companies, and pharmaceuticals. I am going through the same thing right now with our new insurance. We have to prove that there was no lapse from our old insurance or we have to wait a year for them to pay for the chiro's appts. What's up with that? Good luck with yours.


10:36 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Sometimes I have to remind myself that the world is not out to get me. ;-)

I'm going to call back today and try to get more clarification on what this doctor is allowed to do to me when I see him.

9:38 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Insurance companies are evil.

That call reminds me of my call to FedEx yesterday, wherein I had to enter a 500 digit code approximately 500 times and go through three menus before I got the option to be connected to someone in India who really couldn't do a darn thing to help me.

I hate automated menus.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Frema said...

Sounds like the Sallie Mae of health insurance. Fabulous!

10:16 AM  

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