Wednesday, April 05, 2006

I’m normally a very nice-smelling person!


You guys? I think I might have to get rid of a perfectly good pair of shoes.

The problem? A fateful day last spring when I decided to wear a skirt. It was a very warm day, so I opted to bypass the pantyhose. And I didn’t have any of those little footie things.

You see where I’m going with this?

I wore the heels all day on just my bare feet. I guess they were quite sweaty that day, because now I have a recurring… uh… “odor issue” with these shoes.

I didn’t realize quite how bad the “issue” was until I went to a doctor’s appointment. As soon as the nurse had taken my blood pressure and left the room, I scrambled to undress and get into the paper robe before the doc could barge in (yeah, doctors do that polite little “knock, knock!” thing to warn you they’re coming in, but the door is usually flung halfway open at that point and the last thing you want is for the entire staff to see your naked rear as you’re carefully rolling your socks).

So I ripped my clothes off, threw the robe on with the opening IN THE FRONT like I was told, and jumped up onto the examination table.

Door still closed. Body somewhat covered by flimsy paper. Success!

Sitting there, waiting, I hummed a little and read the educational posters on the wall.

Detection is the key to breast cancer survival!” one poster proclaimed. Well, there’s no time like the present. So I followed the directions and correctly did a breast self-exam on both sides.

Next.

Detection is the key to skin cancer survival!” Well, that’s why I was there, so I’d let the doc earn his money. I was just about to start running down the list of symptoms for carpal tunnel syndrome when I caught a whiff of something.

Huh?

I inhaled again, more deeply this time. And almost died on the spot of sheer mortification.

The smell was coming from my feet. My naked feet. And my nose wasn’t anywhere near them! So if I could smell it, the doctor was definitely going to smell it.

I kicked my legs in the air and tried to fan the feet. But this seemed to make matters worse, so I tucked them under the exam table and tried to sit very, veeeeeeeery still. But after a minute, the smell wafted up again.

Panicked, I jumped off the table and surveyed the doctor’s supply shelf. Kleenex! I grabbed a wad and wiped the soles of my feet, threw the Kleenex in the trash can, and raced back to the table.

Oh my god, I might possibly have the stinkiest feet on EARTH. Am dying dying dying dying.

I eyed the sink and the orange antibacterial soap and briefly considered giving my feet a bath. But what kind of explanation would I offer when the doctor came in a saw me sitting on the counter, giving myself a pedicure in his hand-washing station?

Knock, knock!

Handsome, Nice-Smelling Doctor: Hello, I’m Doctor Smith.

Liz: Hello. Can you do your thing as quickly as possible and get out of here?

Handsome, Nice-Smelling Doctor: Excuse me?

Liz: Oh, sorry. Please do your thing as quickly as possible and get out of here.


It was bad. He had to inspect every inch of my skin, including BETWEEN THE TOES. I could barely speak to the man, or his assistant. I was red-faced and quiet until I got back to my car, where I cursed my shoes out and threatened to throw them into a pit of teething puppies.

The shoes are now covered in a layer of anti-stink shoe powder. And if that doesn’t work? Maybe I’ll sell them on eBay.

Buyer beware.

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10 Comments:

Blogger His suzy said...

Oh, Liz, I have the same problem with a pair of my shoes! I don't wear them with socks because of how hideous that would look, but they always smell horrible. I always put baby powder in them before I wear them, but that only lasts for so long and my feet end up look like I ran through flour before I got dressed. lol

Good luck and let me know if you find a good solution!

10:14 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

Oh no! I think pantyhose actually make my feet smelly. I never wear them now though. I usually just wear sneakers or open-toed shoes...seems to solve the problem ;)

11:32 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Did you try Febreze or maybe Oust?

I'm sorry about your shoes.

Your story was a riot!

1:26 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I have the same problem---but with almost all my shoes. I just have stinky feet. I starting using a liquid powder lotion with tea tree oil a while ago and that seems to help.

9:19 AM  
Blogger verniciousknids said...

I love the idea of "a pit of teething puppies" - I have a few things (not shoes) I'd like to throw in there :p

11:46 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

This post was strangely cathartic for me. I have nothing left to hide.

Well, maybe a few things.

1:53 PM  
Blogger Roxanne said...

I found a fitting poem and thought you might enjoy.


Stinky Feet
by Shirlee Curlee Bingham

I free my feet from tennis shoes,
it feels so cool and fine.
But as I tread across the room,
I leave a scent behind.

I love it when I take them off,
the air feels so delish.
But then I hear my sister yell,
"Your feet smell like dead fish!"

"Put on your shoes, I'm gagging bad!"
My sister's such a fink.
Before she feigns a faint she cries,
"I'm passing out from stink!"


roxanne

2:17 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

That's cute. But I am so glad the doctor didn't say any of those things (even if he was thinking them...) ;)

2:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hah gosh I love how you write! You must write a book; i think u have a talent for creative writting!

3:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hah gosh I love how you write! You must write a book; i think u have a talent for creative writting!

3:33 PM  

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