Wednesday, April 19, 2006


Y’all, my class at the gym last night almost killed me. KILLED. My beloved instructor is leaving my gym after next week, and she’s video recording the Tuesday night classes for two weeks so she has something to use for her auditions at other gyms. I love Sheila and I wanted to help her make a good impression on those asshole competitors who might hire her, so I jumped HIGHER and ran FASTER and my smile nearly BLINDED EVERYONE IN THE ROOM. In retrospect, instead of trying to impress strangers I don’t even like, I should have done this:

At the beginning of step class, Liz sets up her step in front of Sheila’s camcorder. Heh heh. The warm-up goes smoothly. Then Sheila gets to the “advanced” part of the “Advanced Step” class.

Sheila: Okay, revolving pop turn!

Liz: (knocks step over, crashes into the infamous pillar in the middle of the room)

Sheila: Lunge side-to-side!

Liz: (blood streaming down face) THE HELL?

Sheila: Shuffle step!

Liz: (looks directly at camera) Sheila always encourages me to push myself, even when her direction is too confusing to follow and I’m bleeding profusely from the head!

Sheila: Hamstring straddle! ARE YOU FEELING IT?

Liz: (slips on pool of own blood) WOO HOOOOOOO!

You know, Sheila used to be my neighbor. This meant I was frequently spotted flexing my biceps while gardening in case she was looking out her window. But then she was all, “Well, since we had the second kid this house is just a little too cramped… blah blah blah… WE’RE MOVING.”

And now, a year later, she’s switching gyms. Get it? SHEILA ALWAYS LEAVES.

And at bedtime I fell into bed like a sack of bricks and didn’t move even an eyelash for 8 solid hours. Next week I’ll be better prepared for sabotage. I’m planning to show up for class barefoot and wearing a T-shirt that says, “SHEILA SAYS ATHLETIC SHOES ARE BAD FOR YOUR FEET.”


Blogger bdogg_mcgee said...

Holy crap that's hilarious....

I always stand in the back. ALWAYS. I am the most uncoordinated person I know.

I once got a bellydancing exercise tape, you know, for the hell of it. I embarassed myself when I caught sight of me reflected in a poster frame. And this is with nobody in the house except me.

I never used it again.....

3:39 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

So would the sabotage be to punish her for leaving? ;) Maybe I should go to one of her classes. Anything that could make me go right to sleep ;)

Bdogg, they have a belly dancing class at my gym! I've never tried it though ;)

3:51 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I want to make her video look really bad so no one else will hire her and she'll be forced to stay with ME. Mwahaha!

3:53 PM  

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