Friday, May 12, 2006

I'm making a lei today, just in case I win the lottery

Last night I couldn’t sleep. So around midnight I gave up, got out of bed, and went downstairs to watch TV.

As I descended the stairs it occurred to me that if I were in a movie about a woman with insomnia, I would no doubt be dressed in some cute, matching pajamas. Maybe something like this, and some of those little slippers with the fluffy fur balls on the toes. You know, the kind of attractive and flattering outfit that a woman wears every night, just in case she happens to find herself in a feature film.

But no, not me. I was wearing a t-shit that features a monkey winding up for a baseball pitch with the words, “Who Flung Poo?” above it. And also my favorite red plaid boxers.

Sexy, no? At least I had recently painted my toenails ‘Wine With Everything’. I like it when my polish name matches my personal motto.

I ended up watching a VH1 Behind the Music special on Kid Rock. Would it surprise you to know that I have Kid Rock CDs in my (our) collection? Yup, right in between the Jethro Tull and Kiss. I’m the librarian in the family, but my husband is kind of freaky about keeping the CDs organized. This morning we had a debate about whether Kid Rock CDs should go in the K section or the R section. We finally agreed that since “Rock” isn’t a legal last name, they should remain in the K’s.

This is why our marriage endures. We agree on all the truly important things.

I fell asleep soon after Kid Rock became a gazillionaire and proposed to Pamela Anderson, and then I proceeded to dream about him all night. The two of us ran some kind of housekeeping service, and I kept getting mad at Kid Rock because he liked to snoop through people’s things. Once he was going through a drawer full of massage oils when the homeowner came home unexpectedly. He should have been busted, but he snuck out the bedroom window. The Kid is sneaky like that.

My mom had to go into the hospital on Monday. She got food poisoning, which caused complications with a rare disease she has. Since she can’t keep anything down, including her vital, daily medication, she has to stay hooked up to the IVs for a while. When my dad called me at work to tell me, he broke down crying. Have I mentioned that my dad is a retired Air Force colonel who used to be able to carry all three of his kids at the same time? After I hung up a co-worker asked if I was okay. I said I thought my eyes were getting blurry from working on the computer all day.

I guess this wasn’t the best year to send her a box of Harry & David gourmet brownies for Mother’s Day, huh?

You know what I would do if I had millions of dollars like Kid Rock? I'd fly my mom and me to Hawaii today, even if the place tickets were insanely expensive, and we’d swing in hammocks and read and sleep and eat fresh pineapple until our tongues tingled. And maybe dream about celebrities. My mom would dream about Richard Chamberlain, who she still loves even though he turned out to be gay. And I’ll try to dream about Colin Firth this time. I have a feeling he wouldn’t snoop in people’s drawers.


Blogger His suzy said...

I hope your mom gets better soon! I'm sure she can enjoy the brownies a little later, right?

I'm so glad you and the hubby can agree on your CD organization. You know, people think the divorce rate is so high because people fight over money, but it's really the fights over CD - or maybe even DVD - organization that really make people call it quits. ;)

12:42 PM  
Blogger Elsa said...

I'm sorry about your Mom. I hope she gets well son.

I would have also filed the CD under K.

12:45 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

Sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she has a speedy recovery.

Colin Firth...good call.

I thought those looked like porn pajamas ;) I'm sure yours were much nicer.

1:10 PM  
Blogger bdogg_mcgee said...

I will keep your mom in my thoughts...


1:27 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I hope your mother gets better soon. And then take that trip anyway---that's what credit cards are for, right?! :-)

I have the same pajama issues and even bought a cute set last night at Target because a voice in my head said, "Someday you might have a date, which might eventually lead to other things, and what will he think when he sees you wearing sweatpants to bed." But then, as soon as I bought the pjs, another voice said, "What were you thinking? If there's a fire in the middle of the night, you can't go outside in THAT!" Which means that I should probably be wearing a hospital gown and paper slippers. But hey, maybe there's a cute orderly?

2:03 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

But Lisa-- paper slippers would be highly flammable!

Maybe we can compromise and sew lace trim on the ankles of our sweatpants, or stitch the word SEXY across the butt.

2:50 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

They usually have that waxy coat. Maybe that makes them less flammable?

3:27 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

heh...there are a lot of pants with words on the butt these days.

4:14 PM  
Blogger Roxanne said...

I see that y'all managed to fit in the word 'butt' even though we're not playing pictionary today. ;)

Hope your mom gets better, Liz. I'm sure those brownies will encourage her to get better quicker.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

I hope your Mom gets well soon. What an awful way to spend Mother's Day.

I'm glad you and your hubby agree on the important things.

Monkey poo shirts and plaid shorts are very sexy.

4:57 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Thanks, all. :)

1:16 PM  
Blogger verniciousknids said...

Your poor Mum...I hope she feels better soon.

The indexation issues surrounding CDs made me laugh...maybe that's why everyone's just switching to iPods?!

I need your professional librarian opinion Liz; where should I file The Cure? T or C?

11:01 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Vernicious- in the library world we disregard 'the', 'a', and 'an' when they appear as the first word of a title. File The Cure under 'C' and be happy!

4:10 PM  
Blogger verniciousknids said...

Thanks for the official word Liz!

11:04 PM  
Blogger Frema said...

A little late, I know, but I hope your mom is OK.

2:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am now crying hestarically reading this post

9:07 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home