Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Yo Mama

Last night M and I took Alex on a walk and ran into a neighbor, Jill, and her dog, Lacie. We were all briskly strolling along the sidewalk together when up ahead we spotted a harried-looking woman struggling with two dogs. Let’s call her Ms. Nasty-Pants. The biggest of her dogs, a German Shepherd, growled and barked at us as we approached. Since the woman was smack in the middle of the sidewalk, M and I kept Alex on a short leash and stepped into the street to pass her, while Jill did the same on the other side.

Apparently the manner in which we passed her and her menacing dog was not to her liking. Just as I was shooting her a sympathetic smile, one which would convey a message of, “Unruly dogs… it happens to the best of us!”, Ms. Nasty-Pants snarled, “Okay, guys, you’re gonna have to help me out here!”

We were all momentarily confused. Poor M even started toward her, thinking she really needed assistance. Then she gestured rudely like we should START SPRINTING ALREADY, what the hell were we thinking, walking past her rabid animal when clearly he was ready to tear into our meaty calves.

I gave her an incredulous look as we walked away, turning to see that M and Jill were wearing matching expressions.

“Huh?” Jill said. “What exactly did she want us to do? We walked as far around her as we possibly could.”

Social Worker Husband kindly guessed that maybe she was just having a bad day. My contribution: “What a bitch!”

Later I decided that a good response would have been, “What do you need help with? TRAINING YOUR DOG?”

Oh yeah, good one! Can't you just picture me on MTV’s Yo Mama, talkin' trash?

Dude: Yo mama so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper!

Liz: Oh, yeah? Well, your mother is so below-average, she doesn’t even know how to train her own dog!

Crowd: (awkward silence)

Dude: (accepts trophy)

I’m like Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail, always longing to deliver the perfect, cutting response at exactly the right moment, only to cry with remorse when it actually happens.

I remember calling a red-headed boy named Brandon a jerk in second grade, and I still feel bad when I think about it. And this was a kid who tormented everyone in the class! And I didn’t even know what “jerk” meant! It just SOUNDED mean. Just like knick-knack sounded like a weapon you might use to hit someone, and Cuisinart was surely a racy, red sports car.

But I’m over it. Ms. Nasty-Pants, that is. She just better hope I don’t see her and Cujo again, because I’ll be ready this time.


Blogger Elsa said...

Unbelieveable! She absolutely needs some training...and I'm not talking about the dog. I don't like it when people have attitudes - especially when they're not even deserved.

I'm like you...if I say something "nasty" (which by most people's standards wouldn't be considered "nasty", but because I know my intent, I consider it "nasty") to someone who absolutely deserves it, I almost always tend to dwell on it and regret it. Usually to the point that I will try to be extra-nice to someone...again, someone who doesn't deserve the niceness. I hate that I do that, but it's just my nature.

Good luck with your Yo Mama training. I had never heard of that show. What'll they come up with next!? (Boy, I feel like my mother talking.)

7:25 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

I like the one about the teacher booking herself into the Betty Ford clinic because she was hooked on phonics ;) You also have to love the term "free form trash-talking" - no anal, overly structured trash talking here.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

She obviously knows that her dog has a problem so SHE should be the one to step off the sidewalk and get HER dog out of your way.

Rowen's not vicious but she gets really, really excited when she sees another dog. So I know that I have to be vigilant about watching our environment and removing her if she is disturbing other people. That woman needs to do the same.

9:05 AM  
Blogger His suzy said...

My favourite:
Yo mama so stupid she sits on the TV and watches the couch!

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Emily said...

Everyone knows there are unwritten dog walking rules! If your dog is the unruly one, step aside! The nerve of some people.

Sometimes I would prefer attitude over anything else. I once met this man while walking my dog - he asked if he could give the dog a Milk Bone, and I said yes, and he cackled and ate it himself. True story.

4:58 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

It takes me like twelve years to come up with a comeback.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Frema said...

When I was nine, I used to refer to "idiot" as "The 'E' Word," because I thought it was a curse word and, apparently, I thought it was spelled with an "e."

2:26 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Elsa- exactly. That's what was hard to grasp... we were friendly and understanding, and she was mean in return.

Lisa & Emily- you understand the rules! Come live in my neighborhood. Most of us are excellent dog owners. ;)

Suzy-- heh. Good one. And I like your new Dali avatar!

Carolyn- I was sure you were the kind of person who could come up with a witty comeback instantaneously! When I read your blog I often think, "Ooooh, good one. I'll have to keep that one on file!"

Frema- ROTFL! My husband's baby sister used to call profanity "Daddy-Bad Words". You can guess who used the most profanity in that family...

8:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loving the yo mama link

9:00 PM  

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