Tuesday, July 18, 2006

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

I have a sense of impending doom. There are multiple reasons for this.

Today I am wearing a pale pink shirt with light linen pants. For breakfast I have a nice, juicy fruit salad with lots of red and purple fruits. For lunch I have whole wheat penne with veggie meatballs and blood-red marinara.

The odds that I will last the day without spilling one or both of these things on myself? Slim to none.

Tomorrow we’re having a handyman come to the house to install new handles on all of our kitchen cabinets and drawers. I know! First of all, it’s kind of sad that we’re paying someone to do this when we have a perfectly good drill, but hey.

Handles? $6.99 each.

Drill? $75.00

Ability to perfectly align two screws twenty-three times in a row? Total shit.

But here’s the thing:

My husband hired the handyman without checking any references.

AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!


I have to admit that this goes against every fiber of my being. I’m a librarian, people! I don’t buy anything or hire anyone without checking Washington Consumer’s Checkbook and Consumer Reports. And maybe a few databases.

Case in point:

Last year, M and I met at a department store after work so we could pick out a new mattress. He eyed me suspiciously as I got out of my car.

“What’s in that folder?” he asked.

“My research.”

“Your research? On what?”

“Mattresses.”

“You did research on mattresses.”

“You bet I did. We could have this thing for the next 8-10 years!”

“Can’t we just lie down on a few of them? Isn’t that enough research?”

“Do you want me to have a heart attack?”

He grabbed the folder from me.

“Oh, Lord. You even highlighted the research. And made notes in the margins.”

I snatched it back.

“You just wait until we’re 100% satisfied with our mattress selection! Then you’ll be begging my forgiveness!”


That's the way I do things. M chose our handyman by looking at his website and speaking with him on the phone for two minutes.

“Well, what did you ask him?” I demanded. “How do you know he’s any good?”

“He said he’s been using handles to open cabinets for the past 45 years. What can I say? I was impressed.”

“HA! Ha ha ha. That’s really funny.”

“I don’t know. He just seems like a nice guy.”

“Okay. I can be a grown-up about this. You made the choice, and I’ll support you.”

“But?”

“But nothing! I just have to go now.”

“To do what?”

“To hyperventilate, if you must know!”


Last night I had a dream.

The handyman was installing the handles. I was in another room of the house, reading a book. I was so proud of myself, being all calm and casual-like while a totally unverified stranger was making holes in my kitchen cabinets!

“Okay, ma’am!” he called out. “I’m all done!”

“Great!” I said. I was so trusting that I didn’t even go into the kitchen to check his work. I just handed him the check and opened the front door for him. “Thanks!”

Still calm! Totally calm!

But then I entered the kitchen.

Handles and knobs of all sorts were on my cabinets. Crookedly. Haphazardly. There were pulls from my childhood dresser. From my parent’s old kitchen cabinets. The handle from our sliding glass door made an appearance, too! It was nailed squarely to the center of one of the cabinet doors.

I woke up gasping for breath.

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17 Comments:

Blogger Bearette24 said...

oh no! what a nightmare! if you must know, i dreamed about woody allen ;) that's melatonin for you. (but i only took half.)

10:16 AM  
Blogger Rude Cactus said...

Sounds like my wife and I. She does research and I have learned to humor her. I've essentially caved.

12:31 PM  
Blogger Elsa said...

Good luck with lunch and not getting on your clothes. I try to coordinate my food of choice with my clothes. If I'm wearing dark colors that day, then I'll select the frozen foods with marinar sauce, however, if I'm wearing a light color, then I select a white pizza or rice and beans frozen foods. I know...pathetic!

Regarding researching before buying, I do that depending on the purchase. I definitely do alot of research before buying a car. And, like you, go highlighter crazy. I also recently did it for plasma vs. lcd tvs and which plasma would be best. I've even done it for electric razors. But interestingly enough, I didn't do it when I bought my mattress. Go figure. (P.S. I bought my mattress by lying down on it and have had it 5 1/2 years and love it. Lucky I guess.)

12:54 PM  
Blogger His suzy said...

elsa, it's not pathetic! I do the same thing! We had a dept. lunch the other month at an Italian place, so I made sure to wear a red shirt. lol

Liz, please don't be mad at me for laughing at your dream. I would do some research before buying big items, but I definitely don't go to the extent that you do!

1:05 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Oh yeah? What if this joker ruins our cabinets? New cabinets are a big purchase, aren't they?

Ah-HA!

(I know. I am sad.)

1:19 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

I research EVERYTHING.

So I would never fault you on researching matresses. You sleep on those things. For YEARS!

5:51 PM  
Blogger Elsa said...

Thanks, Suzy. I feel better that I'm not the only one to coordinate my clothes with what I'll be eating! :)

6:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bearette- in the dream, was Woody dating you when you were 20 and he was married to your mother?

7:22 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Uh- that was me. Above. For some reason Blogger wants to keep my identity a secret.

I hereby reveal myself!

7:23 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

LOL...i must point out, in woody's defense, that he was never married to mia ;) they were just dating for a long time.

in the dream, i was graduating from high school or college and he kissed me on the mouth to congratulate me. no tongue, though...
:D

8:50 PM  
Blogger kj said...

liz, i am a kindred soul. my sentiments exactly. and i'm currently researching cabinet handles!, so i know you're putting in top quality!!

i'll bet you'll love them!

ps another really good writing piece

1:25 AM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

I think doing research is great.

Sadly, it didn't help with our piece of crap mini van.

3:25 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

**UPDATE**
Wednesday, 3:39 p.m.

The handyman is at the house Right. Now.

Drilling. And doing God knows what else!

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

3:45 PM  
Blogger His suzy said...

Hang in there, Liz! Breathe deeply. Or just drink a lot of alcohol. Then you can do some blunking about the handyman. lol

4:18 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Good idea, Suzy! Except that So You Think You Can Dance is on tonight-- a 2-hour special-- and I must be very sober if I want to be serious as I dance along.

However. If the handles look terrible, I will drink regardless.

4:55 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

hehe...maybe you can blunk and dance at the same time? btw, i saw your question on suzy's blog about bra fitting. i think they do them at macy's...in new york anyway. not that you want to travel 260 miles for one :)

6:25 PM  
Blogger Elsa said...

Good luck, Liz! I hope the guy does a good job, otherwise, you'll be having more nightmares...and I have a funny feeling your husband will never live it down ;)

1:26 PM  

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