Countdown to the weekend
Five personal shortcomings:
1) Making small-talk can be hard for me. I'd love to join you in a deep, meaningful conversation or a side-splitting joke-a-thon, but I'm not very good at talking for the heck of it. I'd make a really terrible politician.
2) I cheerfully let my husband do things that I’d rather not: clean the bathrooms, deal with contractors and car repairs, go to church. It's okay to send a representative to church, right?
3) The bag that I carry to work is always a mess. Old receipts, hair clips, a pair of pom-pom gym socks, Kleenex wadded up around chewed-up gum, a menu from a Thai restaurant… I’d be embarrassed if any of my co-workers discovered my secret shame. Strangely enough, my car is usually spotless.
4) In situations where I need to stand up for myself, I often question my actions after it's all over. Did I do enough to make my point? Did I go overboard? My meter seems to be broken sometimes.
5) Knowing how much my dog loves to steal socks, I frequently “let” him snatch them from the laundry basket. Cesar Millan would say, “You’re the sorriest alpha I’ve ever seen! Get down on the floor on all fours and get those socks back, bitch—WITH YOUR TEETH!”
Four things that shouldn't be in my closet:
1) You know what.
2) A hideous sweater that my husband gave me for our first Christmas together, and which I have worn exactly once. Sentimental value. I also still have the matching earrings!
3) The French maid outfit. Okay-- to be fair, it depends on who you ask.
4) The Doc Martens that I never wear anymore but which I can’t throw out because they’re such great, indestructible shoes and I may need them if I ever want demo my bathroom with my feet or slonk around in flowing lava.
Three things that excite me (in a good way):
1) The arrival of any Williams Sonoma catalog.
2) The smell of fireplaces burning in the fall.
3) Thoughts of hang gliding, which I’d really love to try.
Three things that excite me (not in a good way):
1) Preparing for travel, especially that involving flying. I have this really awful paranoia that flights/trains/buses will be missed due to any number of highly unlikely incidents.
2) People talking during a movie in a theater. For the love of Williams Sonoma, please shut up! Please. This is why I rarely go to movies. Too much excitement.
3) Preparing to cook a meal for guests. I have to start with a perfectly clean kitchen. I liken it to clearing your mind before a big challenge, like Daniel-san and his hands-moving-up-and-out breathing routine. Floor, stove, countertops—everything must be clean before I can begin my delicate craft. I know this must seem neurotic, but it's the only way. I also feel compelled wear a tin-foil hat and whisper furtively into a measuring cup when I mince garlic.
Two talents I have:
1) A freaky ability to remember every detail from conversations. Such as, “Oh, your great Aunt Betty? The one who accidentally used Kosher salt instead of flour when she made those chocolate chip cookies in 1979? What a hoot! She drives a green Buick LeSabre with a fuzzy steering wheel cover, right?”
2) I can wiggle my ears. Without using my hands.
One childhood memory:
Hiking Blue Job Mountain with my family as a child and imagining in vivid detail that there would be a winding yellow waterslide at the top that would deposit us back in the parking lot.