Monday, November 27, 2006

Letters of Thanksgiving

A letter of thanks to my boss:

Dear Boss,

Thank you for allowing me to leave work early last Tuesday. That unexpected gift allowed me to be home with my family for the afternoon. They were very pleased, and so was I. I know two other people were already on vacation and you had to sit on the desk all afternoon when you had a million things to do. I won’t forget it.

In gratitude,

A letter of admiration to my sister and mother:

Dear Mom and Kim,

I know the trauma has probably resulted in some spontaneous memory loss, but remember shopping on Black Friday? Remember how we walked into that store and saw the line snaking all the way back to the bathrooms? Remember how we got in line immediately and took turns standing there while the others shopped? Remember how the lady behind us glared? She was totally jealous.

We were out of there in thirty minutes. Amazing things happen when women band together!

Hopefully I’ll recover in time for Black Friday Trauma 2007,


A letter of #%$@! to the jerk in the huge truck on 395 Saturday night:

Dear Asshole,

Thank you for reminding us that we should never take holiday kindness for granted. Your method was quite good: speeding up when my husband put his blinker on and trying to run us off the road. Wow, that would have made for a memorable Thanksgiving weekend! Your high beams provided such a glorious spotlight, we couldn’t resist. Two middle fingers going up in such perfect, beautiful synchrony could only be the work of a well-oiled husband and wife team. Consider that our holiday gift to you.

Kisses and expletives,


A letter to my dog:

Dear Alex,

You had been sniffing the air like crazy all day, trying to figure out what that delicious, meaty aroma was. Since it was Thanksgiving, I made an exception to the No People Food rule and slipped you a piece of the turkey when M wasn’t looking. You happily devoured it, then spent the rest of the night launching silent turkey-scented farts in the family room as you napped on the sofa. I was totally busted.

Hope you enjoyed your first and last taste of turkey,


A letter to the trash company:

Dear poor guy who has to stand on the back of the truck and haul all the bins back and forth,

We are very sorry that our recycle bin is so heavy this week. I'm afraid that the twenty-odd empty wine bottles are the culprits. I promise-- next year I'll make them all drink canned beer.

Waste not, want not,



Blogger Bearette24 said...

lol ;) my dog used to launch some serious SBDs. of course, we were bad and fed her human food regularly. she was quite the little gourmet. she turned her nose up at frosty paws!

which is not to say she was a snooty dog. her only dislikes were a) dog food and b) other dogs (because one of them bit her once).

10:53 AM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

Turkey scented farts. Lovely.

Have I mentioned that despite my intense fondness for the grape, no one in my family drinks? So yeah, that was fun.

11:29 AM  
Blogger bdogg_mcgee said...

Wow! Alex must have a sensitive stomach!

Sounds like you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! :)

1:33 PM  
Blogger Rude Cactus said...

Did the dog make it into the kitchen for the holiday?

2:42 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Twenty empty wine bottles?! I'm coming to your place for Thanksgiving next year!

Rowen loves this time of year because it's the only time that she gets real meat.

7:15 PM  
Blogger Roxanne said...

You're too funny!

Did the turkey entice Alex into the kitchen?

10:16 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Alex can now be enticed to enter the kitchen if the reward is great enough (TURKEY), but he's quivery the entire time and escapes ASAP.

So as not to make my family and friends seem like hopeless bottle abusers, I must clarify that the 20-odd bottles were from the entire week, not just Thanksgiving dinner.

That makes us look better. Right?

9:00 AM  
Blogger Zen Master said...

I fix a plate for each of our cats every Thanksgiving. This year we discovered through our new kitten that they aren't all silent. We clearly heard her dropping her toxic bombs.

Such a little thing (about 3 lbs) and such a huge stench. We couldn't believe it. Now she is also known as Squeaker.

11:49 AM  
Blogger His suzy said...

Sounds like you had a mostly good Thanksgiving! :)

12:19 PM  
Blogger Carolyn said...

Hahahahaha, turkey farts.

Still laughing!

7:31 PM  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

two words: box wine.

there are actually some good ones now. and the remnants are lighter than glass bottles :)

10:47 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Babel- I don't know if I can bring myself to buy box wine! But I did buy a stocking for my dog, so anything's possible.

12:31 PM  
Blogger verniciousknids said...

Why can't you feed human food to dogs?

1:04 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Mostly because the human food can upset the balance provided by his dog food, and also because we don't want for him to expect it or beg while we're eating.

4:23 PM  

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