Wednesday, January 03, 2007

In which I compare my hair stylist to polyester sheets and cheap wine

I just found a gym sock clinging to the inside of my wide pant leg. A quick sniff confirmed that it is not clean. But at least it's mine.

Being too exhausted to make a healthy lunch this morning, I grabbed a can of 98% Fat Free Clam Chowder from the cabinet. A look at the label proves that what I'm eating has almost zero nutritional value, and it looks like watery, lumpy paste to boot. So in a totally logical move I went to the vending machine and bought a bag of Doritos, and I don't even like Doritos that much. Maybe it was the fiery red glow of the bag that caught my eye, a nice punch of color for my otherwise white lunch.

Now my fingernails are orange. I suspect my lips are, too. This is the worst lunch ever.

In other news: I'm breaking up with my hair stylist, but I'm not telling her because I'm a big chicken.

This woman also cuts my husband's hair. And my mother-in-law's. She did my hair for my wedding. She's practically a member of the family, see? It's complicated. I feel disloyal for even thinking about leaving.

CeCe is a nice woman, but I feel like there might be something else for me out there. It's like the time in my life when I was drinking cheap wine, sleeping on polyester sheets, and driving a car with no air conditioning. Those things were fine when I didn't know what the upgrades were like, but now? It would be hard to go back.

What if CeCe is polyester sheets? Or Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill?

I know that must sound unbearably snobby, but all I really want is an educated opinion on what hair style will look nice on me. A really nice, expert cut that doesn't require too much fussing. And maybe some magic product that will keep it from flying all to staticky hell in the winter.

I want Nick Arrojo. Preferrably at my house, so I don't have to fight any traffic. Is that too much to ask?

In any case, CeCe hasn't been able to give me those things, so I found a new place I wanted to try about six months ago. I wrote the number down on a Post-it note and hid it under the phone.

The first time I worked up the courage to call, they were all booked up. "Oh!" I exclaimed. "That'stoobadGoodbye!"

I hung up with relief and went back to CeCe with a feeling of grim resignation.

Yesterday I tried the new salon again.

"I would be happy to make an appointment for you," said the cheery receptionist.

"Well, my schedule is pretty difficult. I work every day and my weekends are busy..."

"We have night hours!"

"And actually, I work at night sometimes, too..."

"We have day hours!"

"And I don't live or work very close to you, so I don't want to come during rush hour..."

"How's 3:00?"

Despite my best efforts, I now have a "consultation" with Michelle in two weeks. I was directed to their website, where they have some advice on how to have a great consultation.

1) Select a consultation time that works with your schedule.
Uh, seems kind of obvious. But anyway- done.

2) Be open about your hair care needs.
I need to look hot.

3) Be honest about how much time you are willing to spend on your hair style maintenance.
I need to look hot in five minutes or less.

4) Express your concerns.
The polar ice caps are melting. Shit.

5) Not that kind of concern, idiot.
Oh, sorry. Well, I guess I'm concerned that it will always take more than five minutes for me to look hot in the morning, so my hair maintenance aspirations may be a tad unrealistic. Then there are days when even an HOUR of primping still leaves me feeling dark-circled and washed out. And yet we believe that this should not happen! That we should be able to roll out of bed and look like supermodels!

And where do those unrealistic expectations come from? Just look at the fashion magazines! Giselle Bundchen seems to look naturally hot 24/7 with virtually no maintenance or work whatsoever, although I know that can't be the case. She has an entire team of people to make her look good. I have a rusty curling iron and a dysfunctional microwave. Not that the microwave has anything to do with beauty-- I'm just sayin'.

6) We're charging you by the minute, so you may want to wrap up.
Right. Just make me look hot. Thanks.



Blogger Golden Silence said...

So did you want to switch stylists? I'm confused.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Yes... I want to, but feel guilty because I've been seeing CeCe for so long.

2:45 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

I'm perplexed. Didn't M already refer to you as a future MILF?? So wouldn't one deduct from that statement, that you are already hot? So you want to look hotter?

3:53 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I aim to be moderately hot, HB. No need to show off.


3:56 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

i should switch, too. my current hairdresser is kind of mean. i guess that's why i never go.

you are right about the team of ppl making models look good...Model Student is a fun read on that subject. they use hemorrhoid cream under their eyes :D

4:03 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

CeCe shares her name with a member of Poison!

4:03 PM  
Anonymous Betsy said...

My problem is the whole 5 minutes thing too. I spend about 10-15 on my makeup, but don;t have the patience to blow-dry, flatiron, style my hair. I am pretty lucky that I have a great stylist who cuts my hair so that it air dries beautifully! (If you want to come to Minnesota to get your hair done, I'll give you her number).
Wishing you luck on your quest for hottness!

5:30 PM  
Anonymous Bethiclaus said...

I think you're already hot...although maybe you're secretly spending more than five minutes getting ready for blog pictures. You are, aren't you? You're so sneaky!

8:16 PM  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

i only want Nick Arrojo if Karmindy comes, too.

I subscribe to the "if I just ignore my hair it will magically grow long and glossy and shiny" theory. I can tell you it is not really working, but you probably knew that.

10:46 PM  
Blogger Roxanne said...

My stylist is whomever is next on the rotation at Fiesta salon. It used to be Mastercuts before we moved. So I don't think I'll be much help for you.

2:13 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Bearette- CeCe got kind of snippy with me when I made a suggestion about my haircut, like I had offended her. That's one reason for the break-up. :)

Betsy- I've been to MN! But I didn't get my hair cut while I was there, unfortunately. I mostly shivered. Stay warm up there.

Bethiclaus- Hee! I don't get "ready" for blog pictures, but neither do I post the pics M took for my doctor as evidence of the time an allergy attack left my eyes swollen shut and my tear ducts the size of peanuts. Although of course I looked hot.

Babel- does Karmindy really spell her name with a K? Now I'm even more in love with her.

Rox- this upcoming appointment will be my first time at a non-chain salon. Will they serve me champagne? Gourmet cheeses?

8:42 AM  
Blogger Frema said...

The fact that they a) encourage consultations and b) have a Web site leads me to believe you've made the best decision.

I love my hairdresser. She listens to what I want and does what I want. And she always sits me in her chair first--before the shampoo--to find out what I'm looking for. I HATE when stylists wait until your hair is wet.

Also, I love Nick, but I think Carmindy's make up is a bit much sometimes. I haven't seen the show in over a year (the pain of no cable!), but still.

1:13 PM  
Blogger His suzy said...

I just got my hair trimmed this morning by someone brand new - what with being in a different state and all - and it went well! So I hope the good fortune passes on to you. But in case it doesn't, I will remind you that the nice thing about hair is that, even if it gets screwed up, it grows back. :)

2:06 PM  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

damn! No! she spells it with a c.

I like it better with the k!

2:58 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Frema- I know you're serious about your hair salons, so I'll gratefully accept your vote of confidence. :)

Suzy- Thanks. But all the same, I'd prefer not to end up with a crew cut.

Babel- Me too. Let's keep referring to her as Karmindy. What's she going to do about it? Recommend a heinous shade of eyeshadow?

3:29 PM  
Blogger kj said...

liz, you won't regret letting someone have a new shot at your hair. i am pretty sure about that...

10:38 PM  
Anonymous Emily said...

You probably don't want unsolicited advice, but here's mine. I go to an awesome salon in Herndon and I love love love it. I switched there after deciding I hated our "family" hairdresser as well. My sister-in-law goes there, my brother goes there, my mom has cheated on her hairdresser there, and we have lots of friends who go there too. LOVE IT. Let me know if you want the details. I don't know where exactly you live... but I think it was somewhere close to me...

9:50 AM  
Blogger YoMomma203 said...

Your answer to "express your concerns" was great.

6:23 PM  
Blogger verniciousknids said...

I never actually had a regular stylist until I moved to Japan. I always used to rotate around a number of salons when I lived in Australia - I've never been afraid of trying new places or styles, as it's just hair and it grows back eventually!

I've been going to the same salon in Tokyo for nearly 7 years now, but I'm on my 3rd stylist there as the other 2 left Japan.

(The last 3 letters of WV are DYE!)

6:05 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

VK- I'm too scared to dye my hair! Maybe someday.

I told you I was a big chicken.

3:47 PM  
Blogger Sarah Louise said...

I love your answers. I pretty much subscribe to the "ponytail in the morning, wear it down for the evening" technique. The less I have to blow dry my hair, the better. No fuss, no muss.

9:45 PM  
Blogger verniciousknids said...

I've been dyeing my hair for so long, I'm not even sure what my natural colour is anymore!

8:25 AM  
Anonymous Hair Stylist said...

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2:20 AM  

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