Here's the grocery list I gave my husband this Sunday. If you're like me, you'll be really interested in finding out what we bought. Whenever I see an abandoned grocery receipt on the ground I pick it up to see what that shopper bought, mostly because I'm obsessed with food and I like to imagine what they might be cooking.
Imagine my disappointment when the receipt says:Marlbro LtsBudwser 24pkHustlerKY lube lrg
If you're not nosy like me, you can skip my list:Apples (Braeburn or Pink Lady)Scallions (1 bunch)Avocados (x2)Eggplant (1 medium)Shallots (x2)Onions (2)BroccoliCarrots (large, 1 bag)Baby Spinach- organicCilantro (2 bunches)Mint (1 bunch)Baguette (1)MilkBreadSaltine crackers (fat-free)RaisinsTotal cerealFiber OneJam- raspberryTomato paste (organic x2)Jar roasted red peppers (1)Chunky mild salsa (12 oz jar, organic)Lentils (regular)Garbanzo beans (x3)Black beans (x2)Semi-sweet chocolate chipsOrange juiceFrozen raspberriesVeggie burgersWine- chardonnay
Sorry, no Hustler
. Check back later when I publish our receipt from Borders (ours is offering a special educator discount this week!).
So here are transcripts of the calls I received this time. You will note
that we have reduced the number of calls to nearly FIFTY PERCENT. I think this is largely due to the fact that M now fears this public broadcasting of our discussions and he's convinced that the Internet believes him to be a typical, bumbling male idiot when it comes to grocery shopping.
This is not even remotely the case. This boy even knows the produce code for Brussels sprouts! We buy them regularly and for some reason the cashiers never know it, so M memorized it to help them out.
All together now: Awww.
On with the public broadcasting!Call #1: Don't you want salad?M:
Hey, it's me.Liz:
Oh. I thought you were making fun of me again for calling from the food store.Liz:
I would never.M:
Don't you want salad?Liz:
I didn't put it on the list?M:
You wrote Baby Spinach- organic,
but not Mixed Greens
Well, I still have some leftover greens, so just get the spinach.M:
Okay.Call #2: In which we cannot fathom a meal without garlic.M:
I know. This must be a first.M:
It's too weird. It's like the garlic is pulling me over, calling my name...Liz:
RESIST THE GARLIC.M:
I'll try. By the way, the avocados are rock-hard. They don't have any ripe ones.Liz:
Bummer. Well, just get those and I'll stick them on the window sill for a couple days.M: Poor Alex
I know.Call #3: PRAISE JESUS!M:
I found some ripe avocados in the organic section!Liz:
Score!Call #4: I'll take Genetically Modified for $500, Alex.M:
What's the deal with those numbers again?Liz:
The numbers on the produce stickers.Liz:
Let me see... okay, if it's 5 digits, starting with an 8, it's genetically modified. Five digits starting with a 9 means that it's organic. And 4 digits means that it was grown conventionally, neither organic nor genetically modified.M:
I knew you would have that information handy.Liz:
I love being married to a librarian.Call #5: A man who loves to save 35 cents? Priceless.M:
I remember seeing cupcake papers on the list on the fridge, but they're not written on this list.Liz:
Yeah, I need them, but not this week. I was trying to trim the list down a bit.M:
Well, they're only 65 cents, so I'll go ahead and get them.Liz:
I'll get the multicolored ones.Liz:
Oh, baby! Multicolored?
Nothing's too expensive for your woman!M:
Actually, they're the cheapest. The foil ones cost 99 cents.Liz:M:Liz:
Never talk to me again!M:
(snickering) Okay, goodbye.Liz:
YOU OBVIOUSLY DO NOT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
Tune in next weekend when I will simply write Cheddar Cheese
on the list without specifying Wisconsin, New York, block, shredded, mild, or sharp.
Labels: Dog is Love, Funny, Grocery Store Talk, Marriage