Monday, April 09, 2007

Feelin' tipsy and reflective. Uh oh.

Welcome to Blunky Monday! For those of you who may be new, "blunking" is a combination of "drunk" and "blogging". Geddit? S'much easier t'saystuff whenu combine wordz.

I'm all about efficiency.

Would you like to listen along with me this evening? I am currently obsessed with the soundtrack to The Last Kiss. Sweet Jesus, I cannot stop listening to it. Someone take away my iPod, stat! I am turning into a big, mushy ball of drooling musical ecstasy! If I were religious and I had to give something up for Lent, this album would be the biggest sacrifice I could make.

Either that or wine.

No, wait. It's still wine.

Anyhow. I liked the movie, but it wasn't mind-blowing. Yet as we were watching I heard a song that really haunted me, which turned out to be Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap. And then I found myself super-attuned the rest of the music in the movie, to the point that I had to keep rewinding the DVD so I could hear the songs again.

You can totally tell why Mike loves watching movies with me, right? Between that and me mimicking all the actors, the poor man can't get a moment's peace.

***********

Mike's grandmother passed away just before Thanksgiving last year, and when we were in North Carolina last week we went through boxes of photographs and keepsakes that had been in her house. Seeing pictures of her at my age led to an inevitable reflection on my life and the legacy I will leave behind someday when I die.

You know what? I'm really pretty satisfied with my life. For the past seven years I've felt mostly at peace. It's probably not coincidental that I've been married for seven years, as meeting and marrying Mike is really the best luck I've ever had. But it's also more than that.

I don't want to get all Dr. Phil on you, but I have to explain something:

I'm extremely hard on myself.

Okay. Some of you are now laughing hysterically at the idea that this was an unknown fact, because you sniffed it out long ago. We always think we're more mysterious and opaque than we really are, don't we?

But yes, I'm hard on myself and I think no one can see that. It's a little bit the personality I was born with, and a lot the way I was raised. But it was years and years before I recognized this part of myself, the way I constantly monitor and correct myself, the way I attribute disappointment, pain, and negative experiences to my own personal shortcomings. These thoughts have flowed so freely and for so long that I couldn't even hear them anymore.

Case in point: I recently journaled, "I tend to be guarded with other people, even my own family. I don't like that about myself."

I don't like that about myself.

Not so long ago, I would have said, "So what? If you don't keep an eye on your weaknesses, they'll never change." I saw myself as a jagged figure that I needed to attack, warrior-style, chipping away with my sword until I emerged the perfect, pleasing person that I thought I should be. Sounds like a nice, easy way to go through life, huh?

Then a close friend told me that I needed to learn to accept all the parts of myself, even my flaws. And very predictably, my thought was:

Self: Ridiculous. Why would I want to accept my flaws?

Self: What do you mean, why? Because it's humanly impossible to be perfect, dumbass.

Self: Oh, right. Good call.

Self: You are human, aren't you?

Self: Sometimes I wish I were a dog, but yes.

Amazingly, as I've worked to accept the less-shiny parts of myself, I've found it easier to be in the world. Maybe it's because when you're easier on yourself, your're easier on the rest of the planet.

My favorite people in the world are the loud, big-bosomed women who collect friends like jewels, who don't hesitate to embrace or to laugh uproariously at the slightest inclination, the ones who don't hide anger or tears of disappointment, and the ones you feel like you know right away.

I'm really not like that, but I'm working on it.

And even if I don't completely get there, that's okay.


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16 Comments:

Blogger Heather B. said...

Did you know that you're calling your husband by his first name? Or did all that pinot get to you?

Also The Last Kiss soundtrack is like crack. Evil, indie, Snow Patrol, Imogen Heap, weepy filled crack.

11:02 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

heather- Should we join LKA? Last Kiss Anonymous?

I got tired of calling him M. But Mike's not his real name, either.

6:52 AM  
Blogger His suzy said...

I just heard Hide and Seek for the first time a couple weeks ago when I bought the Grammy 2007 CD. I wasn't sure I liked it at first, but now the song's really grown on me.

Has anyone heard anything else by her? Is it any good?

11:31 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

My MIL is one of those loud big-bosomed women. She's a treat.

I was thinking of making up names for my family too. I'm tired of calling the girls "A" and "J".

12:18 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

suzy- I haven't, but I'll be checking iTunes.

Caro- may I suggest something original-sounding, like Astroturf and Jupiter, perhaps?

1:16 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

I am a big-bosomed woman (just kidding ;)

I think you planted the idea of wanting to be a dog in my head. As long as you have a nice owner, it's probably a good life :)

4:24 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

Now you're going all Zappa on me. :)

10:16 PM  
Blogger Roxanne said...

I like when people get all philosophical while under the influence. You pull it off quite well. :)

Caro- maybe you can have a contest to come up with their psuedo names. Can you tell I like contests?

1:38 AM  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

H is not H's real initial either, which i revealed after seevral of my readers could not come up with a decent male H name and were sorely disappointed that his name could be Hector or Harold.

I cultivate those women as friends, because they help draw me out of my shell. that said, i love you just the way you are.

xoxo - Fred Rogers.

ps i often fantasize about being a cat. i feel like way less of a dork now.

11:55 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Bearette- if you love being adored, if constant pats and kisses are your thing, if you like having a full belly, a nice, warm bed, walks in the woods, and leisurely afternoon naps, you'd probably like to be a dog in my house. :)

Caro- Was it that obvious? I purposefully stayed away from Moon Unit.

Roxanne- I like the idea of a "Fake-name my kids!" contest.

Oh Babel, I love you just the way you are, too. And if you tell me that you wear cardigan sweaters and have a stoplight in your kitchen, I'm coming over RIGHT NOW.

1:30 PM  
Blogger R U Serious?? said...

Another wonderful post!! Tell Mike, Mark, Melvin, Marv, Mitch, Marty that he has a wife who posesses the unique art of writing very well... even while under the influence!

I enjoyed it thoroughly!!

12:39 AM  
Blogger nutmeg said...

"For those of you who may be new...." Well, that's me. I've been lurking a bit so I thought it may be time to comment! Hi Liz. I don't know why but it always freaks me out a bit when I see more than a couple of similarities with other bloggers - you see, I am soooooo unique!

I'll just choose one similarity for now - I'm also hard on myself and I have also had an epiphany of sorts of late and am willing to accept my "temperament" a bit more. I work with what I have a little more instead of always wanting to change, be, act ... differently. Another Aussie blogger (H&B) recently referred to "perfectionism" as limiting and this pulled me up a bit and then I thought yeah; spot on. Somehow I think I had tried to convince myself that this was good - "lighten up on yourself" I regularly say now :-)

7:02 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

RU- thanks. :) I'll tell Marvin that you say hello.

nutmeg- welcome! I'm curious now about what the other similarities are. Did you know that nutmeg is my favorite spice? ;)

9:12 AM  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

I do NOT have a stoplight in my kitchen, but oh my god, how cool would that look in my charmingly authentically retro kitchen with its yellow cabinets and black-white checkered floor? Awesomely cool, I must go find one right now.

my word verif is nytitwxz
which i am choosing to read as
"New York Tit Wix" which is amusing my little peasized brain immensely.

9:41 AM  
Blogger avocadoinparadise said...

BLUNKING! I love it! Definately a fun passtime. Maybe I'll label those types of posts as blunks from now on. So far they've just been mixed in the with sobging. (Funny that sober blogging could be shortened to sobbing...)

1:33 PM  
Blogger kj said...

oh, liz, what a great post. i learned more reasons why i know we are "friends", even if time, place and circumstance didn't decide to manifest that.

i used to require perfection so i would not be vulnerable. now i've told my ego and need for "power over" to take a long vacation and i am instead what i feared most!--vulnerable to deep love!! and it's a pretty good way to live.

good for you liz. i'm glad you know you are a fine person!

10:18 AM  

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