Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Adventures in Customer Service

Phone Call to Company #1:

This call may be recorded for quality assurance!

Representative: *yawn*

Liz: Hello?

Representative: Oh, sorry. Can I help you?

Liz: Uh, yes. I just placed an order on your website and it was supposed to be a gift for my sister, but I accidentally entered my own address for the shipping address.

Representative: So...

Liz: So I want to change the shipping address, please.

Representative: Does your sister live close to you?

Liz: That depends on your definition of 'close'. I'm in the DC area and she's in Brooklyn.

Representative: Brooklyn, New York?

Liz: That's the one.

Representative: That's not very close.

Liz: No, but they're both on the East coast. It's not like she's in California and I'm in Maine, or something.

Representative: But it's not like you can just walk over to her house and give it to her.

Liz: Right. That's why I want to change the shipping address.

Representative: Well, when did you place the order?

Liz: About two seconds before I called you.

Representative: Hmm.... Well, I can't promise anything. We might have to ship it to you and then you'd have to ship it to Brooklyn.

Liz: But I just placed the order. Literally, less than two minutes ago!

Representative: We're pretty quick.

Phone Call to Company #2:

This call may be recorded for quality assurance!

"Hello! Welcome to our automated system! I'm here to help! I'm going to read a list of options! When you hear the option you want, just say it!"


"I'm sorry! Please repeat your request!"

"I want to speak to an operator."

"I'm sorry! I did not understand your request!"


"I'm sorry! That is not an option!"


"I'm sorry! That is not an option!"

Phone Call to Company #3:

This call may be recorded for quality assurance!

Associate: Hello, my name is Bill. How may I assist you?

Liz: Bill! A real, awake person!

Bill: What?

Liz: Bill, can you tell me when my credit card will switch to the next cycle?

Bill: Sure. First I just need to get some information from you.

Liz: Okay.

Bill: Can I get your account number?

Liz: 739874923.

Bill: And your husband's name?

Liz: Mike.

Bill: And your mother's maiden name?

Liz: Smith.

Bill: And can you tell us the make and model of one of the cars you have insured with us?

Liz: '65 cherry red Ford Mustang Convertible in mint condition.

Bill: Uh...

Liz: Just kidding. '98 Toyota Corolla.

Bill: That's what I thought.

Liz: So now can you tell me when my credit card is going to switch to the next cycle?

Bill: Yes. Your last statement date was April 13.

Liz: Right.

Bill: And your current balance is $532.37.

Liz: Right, but I want to know on which date I'll be moving into the next cycle. Does that make sense?

Bill: Yes. Your last statement date was April 13.

Liz: Yes, we've established that. Here's what I want to know: if I make a purchase right now, will that charge be added to my current statement balance of $532.37, or will it go on the next one?

Bill: Well, you really don't have to worry. I mean, you don't have to pay anything on your balance if you don't want to.

Liz: I pay off my balance every month, so that's why I want to know.

Bill: Oh, I see. Okay, purchases made as of the 14th will go on the last statement balance.

Liz: So.... purchases made today, May 14th, will be added to the current statement balance, and purchases made tomorrow, May 15th, will be added to the next statement balance.

Bill: Yes. Purchases made as of midnight today will go on the current statement balance.

Liz: Midnight tonight?

Bill: No. Midnight this morning.

Liz: You mean, midnight that already happened?

Bill: Yes.

Liz: So if I make a purchase right now, since it's after midnight this morning, the charge will be added to the next statement balance.

Bill: Precisely.


Bill: Can I assist you with anything else?

Liz: What?



Blogger Frema said...

Your phone-call posts are classic, whether they're with your husband, customer service, or the devil. (Not that I think you talk to the devil, but I'm sure that would be funny, too!)

11:43 AM  
Blogger His suzy said...

I had to call customer service yesterday for my new cell phone here in Canada, and I'm so thankful that my experience was better than Yours. I didn't even have to speak French!

12:38 PM  
Blogger Iamthebookworm said...

Those bring back memories of every bad customer service call I've ever participated in. Don't forget the REALLY bad hold music!

8:46 PM  
Blogger kj said...

oh sweet jesus! this was too painful to read.

send this to some magazine liz. it has universal appeal.

are you up for a nudge? because i am happy to give you one if that all it might take.

8:56 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Frema- I have the feeling I've talked to the devil before, or one of his bitter minions. I think they're employed at Blue Cross Blue Shield.

suzy- I wonder if I'd have the same results if I spoke in French. Some kid should claim this for his science fair project!

Bookworm- Is the music supposed to be soothing? Sometimes it puts me in such a daze that I forget why I'm calling.

kj- I think Emily Rabbit should try her hand at telephone customer service! :)

9:14 AM  
Blogger Ces said...

At least they speak English! :-0

5:14 PM  
Blogger kj said...

liz, this is emily rabbit. i will just tell people to do it themselves. then i will take my money, go home, and eat jellies.

10:02 PM  
Blogger R U Serious?? said...

That HURT!! My EARS!! I hate dealing with that stuff over the phone, especially the 'voice' ones!! Maybe if I had vocal chords......

Too horribly funny!!

10:47 PM  
Blogger R U Serious?? said...

Oh!! BTW, msn has closed down my Spaces account and my new addy is:

However, my blog here remains unchanged, and unfortunately, little used.

Have a great weekend!

10:50 PM  
Blogger Sarah Louise said...

So true, so true, so true.

4:09 PM  

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