Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Denying My Inner Pacifist

I was all set to begin this post by talking about how nonviolent I am, so nonviolent that any spiders found in my house are caught, rehabilitated, and released into the wild, so nonviolent that I inspired Operation Rescue Stupid Trapped Bird yesterday, but then I booted up my PC and discovered that the Internet was down again and I told my dog, "I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL COMCAST."

So, um, next topic?

Besides Comcast, the only thing that gets me murderously angry is some of the drivers in this area. My feelings about them have been well documented on this blog. But can I tell one last story?

(okay, we all know it's not the last story. But humor me, m'kay? It's so therapeutic, dumping all my shit on you guys.)

I was driving home from work on Friday evening and had just turned onto the main street in my neighborhood. I saw Mike with the dog, talking with a neighbor. I waved and continued down the street.

Suddenly, squealing tires drew my attention to the rearview mirror. I noticed a silver car rapidly approaching me from behind. Rapidly as in way too fast for a narrow residential street. I watched, stunned, as he passed me on the left and continued racing down the street with a huge, stupid grin on his face.

I almost followed that motherfucker, because I know that street comes to a dead end. I was thiiiiiiis close. I had all kinds of rapid-fire visions of what I would do to him, starting with his balls and my lug wrench.

There are so many kids and pets in our neighborhood. And they play in the street! And apparently I have crowned myself the Queen of Neighborhood Asshole Watch and think I am Tony Soprano!

I didn't follow him. Hands shaking on the wheel, I forced myself to turn off onto my own street, where I snaked around the neighbors' kids on my way to my driveway. Then I went in the house and threw my work bag against the dining room wall. Then, after a few minutes and a few sips of wine, I very calmly walked down the street and wrote down his license plate number.

Now I feel all peaceful-like again.

You know what else makes me all peaceful-like? Chef Anthony Chittum. How I love him. He used to be the executive chef at Notti Bianche in DC, but moved to Vermilion in Old Town, Alexandria a few months ago. We tried Vermilion on Saturday night and it mouth-wateringly delicious. I swear I will follow this man to the ends of the earth, so long as he doesn't move to Minnesota.

Highly recommended. Get the scallops as an appetizer, the cold sweet pea soup, and the sablefish. If you're lucky, they might treat you to dessert and espresso for your seventh wedding anniversary.

Why are you still standing there? Aren't you hungry? GO!

(what, do you want me to attack you with my lug wrench?)

Edited to Add:
Hey! I forgot the third thing that makes me murderously angry: animal abusers. I wouldn't mind introducing Michael Vick to my lug wrench.

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Blogger Kay said...

Oh my gosh, what an a-hole driver! It's a miracle that no kids/animals were hurt. Did you do anything with the license plate number?

I hate local drivers too. I grew up here, and as a result, I've been traumatized about driving. I didn't get my license until I was 18 because I was so scared, and I still say a little prayer every time I get behind the wheel.

10:36 PM  
Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

hehe, your stories sound like mine. Are you sure you don't live in the Pacific NW?

11:03 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

You reminded me...I saw a driver so *good* recently that I memorized his license plate - NY MD 80. I don't know if I can call anywhere to commend good driving, though.

In case you're wondering, what he did was this: he had stopped so that his car was blocking the crosswalk (standard NY behavior), and then backed up so the pedestrians could cross. I was really impressed.

12:45 AM  
Blogger Janet M Kincaid said...

Ironically, my blog is titled after a traffic/driving irritative and constant characteristic of the D.C. area and I have yet to write a single piece about *sshole drivers in this area. (No, wait. I think I wrote one, but it was a call out on a Washington Post Weekend Magazine article a few months back.)

I hate traffic and drivers in this area. They completely and totally suck and are the most self-absorbed bunch. I've reached a point where I avoid the beltway at all costs, because I feel like I'm driving the Indy 500. It's also a lot of why I live where I do. (That said, though, drivers in and through the City aren't much better. They just do the same crappy stuff, but on narrower streets with more stoplights.)

Here's what I want to know, though: you say you wrote down that idiot's license plate number. What do you plan to do with it?

As for drivers like that, they should be forced to drive rubber cars so those of us who are trying really hard not to be like them can avoid them like the plague or at least have them/us bounce off of us/them, should they chance to meet our/their bumpers.

6:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every once in a while (like every Friday and/or Saturday night) all our neighbors gather in one driveway while the kids (none ours) run around our little cul de sac with their bikes and toys and miniature motorized vehicles. Every once in a while someone will come down our short road at a stupidly fast speed wherein the parents in one fell swoop would stop the car, pull the driver out through the window, hog tie him, let the children beat him with sticks, and then burry him in their basement.

Okay, so I fibbed. Florida doesn't have basements.

8:03 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Kay- my family moved here from California right before I got my license. I remember teachers and family friends in CA saying, "Ooooh, good luck! If you can drive there, you can drive anywhere!" My behind-the-wheel driving instructor took me on the beltway on my first day and I almost peed my pants.

Emma- the bad drivers are spreading like a fungus!

Bearette- glad to hear that the Division of Safe and Considerate Drivers (DSCD) has increased by one.

Janet- I disagree about the rubber cars. I think bad drivers should be forced to roller skate down 495 with steaks tied to their ankles while packs of very hungry hyenas are released on the side of the road.

Remember, I am nonviolent.

About the license plate number-- we think this guy was a visitor to the neighborhood, not someone who lives here. If we see him driving that way again, we're calling the police.

Teacherbee- and I hate basements. See? Florida and I are a good match in so many ways.

I'm going to start training the kids to beat people with sticks this very afternoon!

10:19 AM  
Anonymous Betsy said...

Hey, now. Minnesota isn't all that bad. We have relatively polite drivers. And lefse. Lots of lefse. And many, many lakes. Alex could swim constantly.

See? Not that bad.

Of course, we also had a temperature that reached -35 this past winter. And even Minnesota drivers can't drive worth shit in snow.

10:25 AM  
Blogger His suzy said...

I hate stupid drivers. Hate them. And there's a little part of me that hopes that that idiot driver does come back just so you can report him.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Betsy- yes, it's the winter version of Minnesota that I can't handle. But I've also been there in the summer, and it is lovely.

I guess I could visit Anthony there in the warmer months, but I'd hightail it back south before October!

10:59 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Betsy- wait, what is lefse? I once went to a comedy sketch called How to Speak Minnesotan, so I know about bars and hot dish and "Oh fer cute!", but I can't remember lefse...

11:03 AM  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

I am loving the visual of the hyenas and the steaks and the roller skates. You may not really be a pacifist : ) but you sure have flair!

5:56 PM  
Blogger Ashley Beth said...

I am most impressed that you release spiders back into nature. You are much nicer than I! I'm like Tony Soprano and get someone to squish them for me.

7:46 AM  
Blogger kj said...

we're twin sisters, liz.



9:30 AM  
Blogger R U Serious?? said...

We also have assholes who drive like a bat out of hell in our quiet neighborhood. Fistfights have occurred on occasion. I might be gettin' me a lugwrench!!!

Oh! And lefse?? Lefse is a traditional soft Norwegian flatbread made out of potato, milk or cream and flour, and cooked on a griddle. And I'm a Californian. So I cheated... Go Google!

5:56 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Oh yeah. Google.

*slaps forehead*

5:58 PM  
Anonymous Betsy said...

Lefse is basically a Norwegian tortilla. My family's tradition is to put butter and sugar on it and roll it up, but it's bread, so you can do anything. Very traditional. You can buy it in stores (usually around the holidays in the refrigerated section of the grovery store) but homemade is best. We have a killer recipe. My cousin's wife tried it for the first time two years ago (she's from CT), and has asked us to ship her some at the holidays. It's addicting.

10:20 AM  

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