Musings of an Early Riser
(alarm goes off)
(stopping at coffee shop)
It must be nice to be exempt from traffic laws. Thanks for parking your huge-ass truck on the yellow curb directly in front of the store, thereby blocking the store hours. Wah, I had to park my car and walk to the front door to see if they were open. Lucky for you, they were. Enjoy your latte, you law-breaker, you.
(in line at coffee shop)
A line! I'm standing in a line at 5 a.m., and I am not at the airport. Wow. La-la-la. Soy cappuccino, please!
(waiting for coffee)
I could never be famous.
If I were famous, every time I spoke I'd wonder if someone would quote me in Bartlett's . Could you imagine? Squeeee! And yet, the pressure.
(walking to car with double cappuccino in hand)
What would I say?
(pulling onto the road)
"Get off my tail, asshole! There is plenty of road for all of us!"
Wait, not that.
National Public Radio is so soothing. They're all, "Good morning, everyone. We've just heard that aliens have launched an attack on planet Earth. It's a beautiful day in our nation's capitol."
Who knew there were so many people on the road at this hour? I mean, I was expecting some traffic, but not this much. What the feck is wrong with these eejits?
(realize that I, too, am on my way to work at 5 a.m.)
I thought the chances of accidents would be less this early in the morning, with fewer people on the road. But you know what? All it means is that people can go faster while they’re being assholes. 5 a.m.: prime accident time. Ye have been warned.
BBC World Update on NPR. Accents!
5:18 a.m. - 5:32 a.m.
"Oh, hallo! This is, um... Sophie!... your British anchor on BBC World Update! Bloody hell, Declan! It's almost half-five. What's the news?"
"Slainte, Sophie! I'm reporting live, from Ireland! I'm just about to have some kippers and soda bread for me breakfast! After which I will be heading to the local pub, dont'cha know. Blimey! I mean, whoops! I'm also part Minnesotan! And that's all the news in Ireland, Sophie. Back to you!"
Realize I am holding my pen like a microhpone and gesticulating wildly while driving.
Try to calm myself down.
Put on my book-on-CD, which I remember too late has a British narrator.
And the rest of the day is a blur.