Dear obnoxious people who have nothing better to do than stuff my inbox with useless spam:
I realize this is all my fault. Yes, I'm a moron and I openly admit it. I visited one of those free samples sites and was sucked in by a promise of gratis shampoo in exchange for filling out a "brief" survey.
By the time I got to page 512 of the "brief" survey, my eyes were bleary and there was still no end in sight. How many times can I say that no, I am not interested in obtaining my diploma online? Or that my income is none of your damn business?
So I wearily clicked the HELL TO THE NO button and aborted the mission, figuring I could probably manage to scrape together enough money for a bottle of shampoo.
But you very cleverly secured my email address on the very first page, didn't you? When I opened my inbox the next morning, I had a giddy feeling that I would very soon be crowned Ms. Popularity. Look at all my emails! See how many people love me! Behold...
...the never-ending virtual stack of junk mail.
Thank you, really. I appreciate that you are trying to alert me to VERY IMPORTANT and possibly LIFE-CHANGING products and services.
But please be aware:
- I don't need to "lessen my burden of debt." Unless you are offering to pay my mortgage, in which case I will say a heartfelt THANK YOU, grab my snorkel gear, and fly to Australia.
- Thanks for telling me about the beach bum who made millions of dollars while working from home in his Speedo. If I ever become a Speedo-wearing beach bum, you'll be first on my notification list.
- You are so clever, you little spammer, putting my first name in the subject line like that! You totally got me! I thought for sure it was my best friend writing to tell me about the PerfectReplicaz Rolex "wach".
- I do not need a stiffy in a jiffy.
- I'm not interested in a mail-order Russian bride.
- I already have a f*ck buddy. But I'm flattered that you asked.
- Do I look like the kind of person who wishes to purchase "phat gangsta grillz"?
- I'm sorry your husband is being held captive by political adversaries, but if I had $10,000 to blow, I would not give it to you. See #1.
- A new laptop for nothing? Rarin'. Send it to me and I'll let my pet unicorn use it.
I'll close by saying thank you for giving me exactly what I asked for.