Thursday, August 30, 2007

Musings of an Early Riser

4:20 a.m.
(alarm goes off)
Holy shit.

5:00 a.m.
(stopping at coffee shop)
It must be nice to be exempt from traffic laws. Thanks for parking your huge-ass truck on the yellow curb directly in front of the store, thereby blocking the store hours. Wah, I had to park my car and walk to the front door to see if they were open. Lucky for you, they were. Enjoy your latte, you law-breaker, you.

5:03 a.m.
(in line at coffee shop)
A line! I'm standing in a line at 5 a.m., and I am not at the airport. Wow. La-la-la. Soy cappuccino, please!

5:05 a.m.
(waiting for coffee)
I could never be famous.

5:06 a.m.
(still waiting)
If I were famous, every time I spoke I'd wonder if someone would quote me in Bartlett's . Could you imagine? Squeeee! And yet, the pressure.

5:07 a.m.
(walking to car with double cappuccino in hand)
What would I say?

5:08 a.m.
(pulling onto the road)
"Get off my tail, asshole! There is plenty of road for all of us!"

5:08 a.m.
Wait, not that.

5:10 a.m.
National Public Radio is so soothing. They're all, "Good morning, everyone. We've just heard that aliens have launched an attack on planet Earth. It's a beautiful day in our nation's capitol."

5:12 a.m.
Who knew there were so many people on the road at this hour? I mean, I was expecting some traffic, but not this much. What the feck is wrong with these eejits?

5:12 a.m.
(realize that I, too, am on my way to work at 5 a.m.)
Oh.

5:15 a.m.
I thought the chances of accidents would be less this early in the morning, with fewer people on the road. But you know what? All it means is that people can go faster while they’re being assholes. 5 a.m.: prime accident time. Ye have been warned.

5:18 a.m.
BBC World Update on NPR. Accents!

5:18 a.m. - 5:32 a.m.
"Oh, hallo! This is, um... Sophie!... your British anchor on BBC World Update! Bloody hell, Declan! It's almost half-five. What's the news?"

"Slainte, Sophie! I'm reporting live, from Ireland! I'm just about to have some kippers and soda bread for me breakfast! After which I will be heading to the local pub, dont'cha know. Blimey! I mean, whoops! I'm also part Minnesotan! And that's all the news in Ireland, Sophie. Back to you!"

5:33 a.m.
Realize I am holding my pen like a microhpone and gesticulating wildly while driving.

5:34 a.m.
Try to calm myself down.

5:35 a.m.
Put on my book-on-CD, which I remember too late has a British narrator.

5:36 a.m.
Am doomed.


And the rest of the day is a blur.

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15 Comments:

Blogger bdogg_mcgee said...

I'm listening to an audiobook at the moment--"The Devil in the Junior League,"--and the narrator has her character speaking with a very pronounced Suuuuuthurn drawwwl, making it very difficult for me to speak normally when I get to work. Of course, everyone here speaks that way anyway, but the point is, I, like you, tend to mimic accents when I hear them long enough!

5:31 PM  
Blogger His suzy said...

I don't know how you made yourself get up that early!

5:49 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

bdogg- I so understand. It's even worse when I'm talking with real, live people who have accents. I find myself just borrowing their accents. I think I've probably either amused or offended people from across the globe.

suzy- it's not a regular thing. Just a...lately thing.

6:42 PM  
Blogger Laoch of Chicago said...

This is splendid. Well done.

8:48 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

I went on a student trip to Ireland some years ago, and this guy in our group kept lapsing into a brogue when interacting with the natives. Finally one of the girls burst out, "You're from the Bronx!"

11:18 PM  
Blogger R U Serious?? said...

You are SOOOOOOOOOO in need of a vacation!! Before you hurt someone.

12:43 AM  
Blogger nejyerf said...

Liz, me darlin', it's the blarney stone ye've been after kissing.....

10:26 AM  
Blogger Chrissy said...

this is probably the funniest thing on the tubes today. good show!

12:10 PM  
Blogger J.M. Tewkesbury said...

So, let me guess? You spent the rest of the day slipping in and out of an Irish accent? I had a day like that today, only mine was British. Blimey. Go figure...

Love this minute-by-minute, by the way. Most excellent!

7:49 PM  
Blogger R U Serious?? said...

Thank GOD it was Friday!!! Two days without Road-Holes is what you need!! Have a Great long weekend with lots of tasty, healthy food!!!!

11:42 PM  
Blogger R U Serious?? said...

Liz? You would be pround of me!! I bought my first half-gallon of 'Soy Dream' soymilk today!! Mainly because I saw how many good things are in it with virtually nothing bad! The best part is that it tastes GREAT!! I'm not a vegaterian yet but I am eating healthier!! And you are part of the reason!! Thanks!!!!

12:19 AM  
Blogger kj said...

liz, i'm just catching up with you. my month has been a blur...

have a fine trip to ireland. i imagine you will see the color in green in so many shades you might squeal.

what the feck? good expression.

:)

10:45 AM  
Blogger Ron said...

Even though I've just been lurking, I had to say ... you're fecking fuuny. If Rox and I had friends, I would hope they would be just as funny. If not, we would find new imaginary friends.

I also like doing accents - my current favorite is Indian English (think Apu on the Simpsons, or most doctors). I picked up a decent Australian accent on a high school band trip, but I became the local expert on different American accents. The Aussie kids could not tell how bad I was at accents.

11:17 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

I get the impression you like driving just about as much as I do.

5:19 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

teweks- how did you know?

Serious- good for you! Can I look forward to more vegetarian recipes on your blog? :)

Ron- definitely, it's best to practice accents around people who don't realize how terrible you are.

Caro- driving is fine, especially when I have a good book or music to listen to. It's the other drivers that drive (heh) me nuts, especially when there are four trillion of them on the same stretch of road. :)

9:03 AM  

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