Thursday, November 15, 2007

Today I Ate Part of My Sweater

Yes, it’s true. I was driving to work when I spotted a huge lint ball on my sleeve. I picked it off and tried to drop it on the floor, but a gust of warm air from the vent swept it directly to the sticky spider web that is my lip gloss. I stuck my tongue out to see if I could dislodge it, and before I knew it, it was sliding down the back of my throat.

Commuters everywhere were momentarily confused by the sounds emanating from my car, like, WTF? There’s a cat horking on the highway?

Eventually I had to surrender and just… swallow. I felt sick until I realized that it wasn’t as bad as swallowing a gnat, which I’ve also done on several occasions, and so I cheerfully resumed my parroting of Bill Redlin.

In other news, last night was the season premier of Project Runway. Anyone see it? Upon glimpsing Elisa’s completed dress, I told Mike that the model looked like she was suffering from rainbow diarrhea. Later, in a moment that proves that Heidi Klum and I are practically twin sisters, she said that the model looked like she was “pooping fabric”. See? I mean, maybe Heidi’s assessment was a bit classier, but it was still the same assessment. Clearly I’m MUCH more like Heidi Klum than Tori Spelling.

SPEAKING OF WHICH. Yesterday that SAME WOMAN came back to the library and made a beeline for me.

“I can’t get over it! I still think you look just like… like… oh, shoot. What’s her name?”

I crossed my eyes in what I hoped was an expression of confusion.

“Don’t you remember when I told you that you look just like that celebrity?”

“Uh..."

“TORI SPELLING!” she shrieked suddenly.

What could I do? I shushed her.

(more quietly) “I told you that you look just like TORI SPELLING!”

“Oh, right. Ha ha.”

“So, seriously? No one has EVER told you that before?”

“You are seriously the first and only person to tell me that, ever. Aside from when you told me last month.”

“Oh my God.” She studied me. “I don’t know what it is… the hair? The body shape? Or maybe it’s… you know.”

At this point she actually cupped her own breasts.

“Uh, well, thanks for…that. I have to get back to work now.”

“Okay. Bye, Tori!” she called cheerily.

I tried to jam my fingers into the electric stapler, but my fingers wouldn't fit. I'll bet Heidi Klum's wouldn't, either.

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5 Comments:

Blogger Roxanne said...

Craziness. If you see her again, tell her she looks JUST LIKE ____ (pick the name of a celebrity who noone wants to look like). Maybe that'll get her to stop. ;)

11:47 AM  
Blogger Kay said...

Regarding Project Runway: I was upset that they kicked off Simone (sp?). Elisa's explanation of her dress was crazier than the actual dress itself. Then they kicked off the rational-but-slightly-pressed-for-time Simone! This morning I came to my senses and realized that it's reality television, and they want Elisa for the drama factor.

2:35 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Roxanne- I think Bearette suggested Danny Devito for the fill-in-the-blank.

Kay- no kidding. At least you could walk in Simone's dress, even if it was glued all to hell.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

Or you could tell her, "You remind me of someone from Rosemary's Baby. Who was it?....Satan."

10:18 PM  
Blogger TeacherBee said...

Come on, it's not so bad of a compliment if it's your boobs that look like hers. It's much better than saying it's your face. She did have a nice decolletage... you know, before the baby.

8:58 AM  

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