Monday, December 10, 2007

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

I stumble back into the house before sunrise, the dog's leash in one hand and the poop bag in the other (thank you, Washington Post). I wipe Alex's paws and liberate him from the leash, but he doesn't immediately race to his food bowl the way he usually does. Instead, he follows close behind as I walked to the coat rack to shed my parka, and then to the hall closet, where I put the umbrella away.

I look down. Alex is hopping from side to side, looking alarmed.

"What's the matter with you, Boo?" I ask. He scurries three feet away and sniffs intently at the ground. I walk over to take a look.

A turd. Right there on the hardwood floor.

Alex looks up, stricken. Poop! In the house! OMFG! Poop!

Well, that's disgusting. Untying the knot in the poop bag, I hear a plop! sound and look down to see a second turd now lying on the floor. Then Alex helpfully runs back to the front door to show me the entire trail of turds that has been marking my path since reentering the house.

I hold up the poop bag and see a gaping hole where the bottom should be. Thank you, Washington Post.

In other news, I cut my fingernails yesterday, then promptly needed a nail to scrape a sticker off of something. Isn't that always the way it goes? The sticker was on my new foot spa, which my mother-in-law bought me for my birthday. I love it. Last night I used it for an hour before going to bed, and when I took my feet out they were an alarming shade of hot pink. All night long I had disgusting dreams about cooking my own feet for dinner.

Over the weekend I attended the holiday centerpiece-making party, where I learned about wires and picks and florist tape and how you shouldn't wear a black sweater when you'll be working with miniature Santas that are covered in glitter. I was pretty proud of mine, although my friend (who used to be a floral designer) told me that it was a little "tight". Apparently this means that I clump all the decorations in the middle of the centerpiece, rather than distributing them throughout. I'm a clumper! I'm the Clumpinator! I fought the clump and the clump won!

She also said that my Santa placement might be a little problematic. You know, from a fire hazard perspective.

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8 Comments:

Blogger bdogg_mcgee said...

Beautiful centerpiece, dahling, simply beautiful!

:)

8:12 PM  
Blogger TeacherBee said...

I think the Santa is perfectly placed. It can be a new tradition. Count down to Christmas time. As soon as Santa hits the foliage, it's Christmas! Like the ball drop on NYE.

4:51 AM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

Psst...happy birthday!

9:36 AM  
Blogger J.M. Tewkesbury said...

>Snort< Ha! LOL.

Love the centerpiece!

11:32 AM  
Blogger R U Serious?? said...

My little female Cairn Terrier still doesn't get it!! Bonnie still thinks she needs additional nourishment by eating her own poop, and now she is enticing her Dachshund buddy to do the same!! I bought some pills called "potty mouth" but they don't seem to be working!! Any suggestions, besides following her around with a poop bag?

3:47 AM  
Blogger R U Serious?? said...

OH!! Bearette24 alerted me!! Happy Birthday!!!!! Where in the world would we be without your sensational posts!! I'm serious!!

3:51 AM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

Serious - I am so jealous that you have a Cairn! I had one growing up. They are awesome!

7:30 AM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

Now I am curious about how to solve Bonnie's problem. This may merit a blog entry of its own. I started thinking, maybe one could spray the droppings with something untasty but harmless, like that Sally Hansen solution nail-biters use.

3:56 PM  

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