Thursday, March 06, 2008

Shlump

Okay, FIRST THINGS FIRST. I fell asleep well before the Project Runway finale last night, so do not mention anything about it, please, HMMM HMMM HMMMMMM, I CAN’T HEAR YOU. We taped it (yes, we actually tape things with an old-fashioned VCR, aren’t we quaint?) and will be watching it tonight. Tonight! For today, I’m sporting ear plugs and a blindfold.

(and if Christian won? Oh god. I can only imagine that he will be completely and utterly insufferable. I heard him say that he just acts like a diva for the camera, but COME ON. No one could fake that level of condescension.)

(okay, now shhhh!)

And now for my big announcement: Paste a gold star on my chart, for yesterday I managed to put together a comfortable, attractive outfit!

I’d purchased two cap-sleeved empire-style tops at an Ann Taylor when we were in Florida for Christmas. Naturally, everything in the store was geared toward Florida winters, so the tops we more like something I’d wear for spring in the DC area. I’d tucked them away for warmer weather and forgotten all about them until yesterday, when the sun was shining and the temperature was predicted to reach the mid-60’s. It was still too chilly to wear them alone, but I paired the berry pink-and-black print with a black cardigan, my favorite black pans (deemed “favorite” because I can still wear them and they are not the tan pair), and a chunky beaded necklace, and I thought I looked pretty fierce.

Well, as fierce as I can possibly look these days, anyhow. Mike was all excited when I got home because for the first time, I really looked pregnant. At fifteen-plus weeks, I guess it’s time to look pregnant. And hey! I still look pregnant today, so I guess it wasn’t just my huge bladder. Still, I remember a friend of mine crowing at five months that she could still wear all her regular pants.

(yes, she’s an alien)

Yesterday’s Outfit of Heavenly Alignment was in stark contrast to Monday’s outfit, which was thrown together out of sheer desperation. Tan pants (the other pair that’s still wearable, but I hate them) and a shlumpy sweater that’s about four sizes too big for me.

Trust me, it was not good. I looked and felt shlumpy all day. I don’t think shlumpy is even a word, but somehow it is still completely accurate. I shlumpily sat at the reference desk all day, then I got into my shlumpy car and drove home.

(I guess it’s time to invent a new word, since I can’t blunk anymore)

I’ve heard many pregnant women say that from the moment they announced their blessed state, others jumped in with unwanted advice. Strangely enough, I haven’t really encountered this, but my husband has. I think it’s because he works with lots of women, most of whom are currently gestating and raising kids, so they feel that they have a lot to contribute. I work with lots of women who are done raising their kids (dun dun DUN, the graying of the profession!), so my pregnancy is something of a novelty.

The thing I find disheartening is how eager some people are to jump in with dire warnings and grim predictions.

We enjoy traveling.
- You’ll never do that again!
- Just wait- even the local grocery store will seem like too far to go.
- Hope you took lots of pictures in Europe

We enjoy cooking and eating good, healthy food.
- Ha! You won’t keep up with that.
- Chicken nuggets! You’ll have to buy them because that’s what kids like to eat.
- I’ve heard of babies that have died from vegetarian diets!

We have hardwood floors.
- Oh, man- kids will tear those up in no time!
- That’s going to make it difficult when your kid learns to walk.
- I heard of a baby that was killed when it fell and hit its head on a wood floor!

We have a dog.
- I hope the baby doesn’t have allergies.
- I knew a couple who had to put their dog to sleep after the baby was born.
- I heard of a baby that drowned in the dog’s water dish!



And on and on. A father-of-three friend of Mike’s stopped by the other day and had completely deconstructed our house within three minutes. “Yup, you’ll have to get rid of that and move the plants and put a safety lock on that and cover that up and blah blah blah.”

People think they’re being helpful, I know this. Look, we’re not idiots. We know life is going to change, and we’re even smart enough to realize that we won’t fully grasp the magnitude of that change until after the baby is here. Yes, we’ll have to rearrange our house. Yes, we’ll have to make do with less sleep. No, we won’t be able to afford to travel as much. Yes, I’ll probably want to kill myself at some point. Thank you for warning me.

But I will not be serving chicken nuggets every night. I know that for damn sure.

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16 Comments:

Blogger Kay said...

Don't worry -- I won't spoil the Project Runway finale for you. But I will say that you're in for a really good fashion show when you finally sit down to watch.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm not even pregnant and I feel shlumpy on a regular basis. Like you, I hate to shop for clothes. But gosh, I do SO love to look at them online...

11:31 AM  
Anonymous Betsy said...

No one said spaghetti? Or cold cereal? Or french fries? What about PB&J's? Hamburger Helper? Fish stix? Frozen pizza?

Come ON, people! Liz needs choices besides nuggets!

12:05 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Kay- thank you for keeping quiet. I know you have some fabulous handbags, right? They dress things up a little.

Betsy- I am morally opposed to anything that is spelled s-t-i-x.

1:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha! Just wait until you are grocery shopping with your husband and the cashier says: "My dear your hips are so wide! You must be having a girl!" (We don't know the gender as of yet) I was so shocked that she said that to me! Just wait, I am sure you will get some even worse comments like mine. People can be so ignorant!

2:54 PM  
Blogger BabelBabe said...

no, no, wait till people start TOUCHING YOUR STOMACH!

I conjured up some homemade chicken nuggets (real chicken breast meat, cut up, & rolled in plain yogurt and bread crumbs, and baked) that my kids love. But the endless pb&js - oh my FUCKING god. I could kill myself with the bread knife...

5:50 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

anonymous- when I inevitably get the even worse comments, I will be sure to report them here. Together we can teach rude people everywhere to shut the fuck up!

Babel- Attention: this woman has four kids and she makes healthy, homemade chicken nuggets. MY KIND OF WOMAN! I'm going to hang a picture of you on my refrigerator and worship it appropriately.

6:27 PM  
Blogger Sweet Irene said...

Well, it does change your life, but you do have to determine how much you are going to let it an don't have a baby that can't handle change and being taken out and about and eating a variety of foods.

It is possible to still have a life and have a baby, just make the adjustments go both ways and not just one way in the direction of the child. The child has to adapt to the parents also.

By the way, I am a grandmother, so my advice is second generation.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Bearette24 said...

Yikes, talk about gloom and doom.

No one has done that to me yet...though EVERYONE asks if it's a boy or a girl and when I'm due. I'm considering getting a shirt that says JUNE 10TH.

I think shlumpy may be a word...it sounds Yiddish ;)

8:07 PM  
Blogger His suzy said...

All I know is that a lot of women I know seem to have had a lot of morning sickness and nausea when they had girls and not so much when they had boys.

See? I have no advice. lol

8:14 PM  
Blogger Roxanne said...

I try not to give advice unless asked. And even then I usually don't give it out too freely because I realize I am no freaking expert (no one is).

Now....it's time to start planning for those gazillion trips to Mickey D's. ;)

10:41 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

irene- so true.

bearette- let's just make it an official word. I like it.

suzy- I've heard the complete opposite, so I guess we're both clueless.

roxanne- you are a kindred spirit (though for the record, I would appreciate any advice you have to share)

5:58 AM  
Anonymous jenclimbs said...

Wait until strangers start touching your belly without asking first! My sister complained about that.

9:48 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

Last time I came here, blogger wouldn't let me comment. Kept denying my password, grrrr.

People are full of unwarranted comments. I remember when they were asking you if you ever planned on having children. Now you are and they still can't shut up. LOL

The people who think kids will only eat chicken nuggets are the people who introduced their kids to chicken nuggets in the first place. I'm sure you've been to the vegan lunchbox blog. That woman rocks and her kid doesn't eat chicken nuggets! Can you imagine?

I like the word schlumpy. It describes me at the moment, unfortunately.

Do we get a pic of you in your non-schlumpy outfit?

Oh and when I was here and tried to comment, it was on your bump. You have a very cute bump.

12:26 PM  
Blogger R U Serious?? said...

Hmmmm... I'm thinking that we nees a LIZ 'fashion show'!

8:18 PM  
Blogger J.M. Tewkesbury said...

Schlumpy is a word actually. Well, sort of. It's a derivative from a German word--schlampig--which means sloppy, scruffy, slipshod. It also means trashy, slutty, and blowsy. As with all words, it's about context, right?

But that's probably more than you wanted to know...

7:14 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

jenclimbs- can't wait!

caro- thank you. :) I might post some pictures if I can remember to charge a battery for the camera.

serious- see above. there will be no music or flashing lights, though.

tewkes- actually, I love knowing stuff like that!

10:42 AM  

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