Saturday, November 15, 2008

Gallimaufry

The sensation of spit-up running down your neck and back isn't so bad. It's when it soaks into your shirt and starts to cool that it becomes unpleasant.

:::

I stepped on the scale the other day and discovered that I'd lost all the baby weight, so I gleefully pulled out all my old pants and tried them on. Most are still bit tight around the waist. I wonder if the rubber band trick is still acceptable if you're not in the early stages of pregnancy?

:::

I took Lion to the pediatrician for his two-month check-up. As I placed him naked on the scale, the nurse announced, "Two feet long and thirteen pounds, four ounces!"

Suddenly he peed all over the scale and the wall.

"Make that thirteen pounds, three ounces," she corrected.

:::


My baby has this huge smile where his nose wrinkles and his eyes crinkle and looks like he just heard the best joke ever. I live for it. No one ever told me that a toothless grin could be your drug of choice.

:::

Passing a gaggle of teenage girls in the grocery store, one of them gazes at Lion and says, "Oh, I want a baby!"

"Bloody nipples," I tell her as I pass.

I do what I can.

:::

I've been doing all the grocery shopping since I've been on maternity leave, so there's been a severe shortage of grocery store conversations. However, we managed a short one the other day:

Mike: Hey.

Liz: Hi.

Mike: I'm at the store.

Liz: I know. Hey, can you get me a pint of Haagen-Dazs Rocky Road while you're there?

Mike: Ice cream craving?

Liz: No. I just like the way the almonds get stuck in my teeth. It's strangely satisfying.

Mike: Uh, okay.

Liz: Thanks.

Mike:

Liz: So, why were you calling?

Mike: I knew you needed something. I'm like Lassie.

Liz: Seriously.

Mike: So, seriously, this grocery store doesn't sell condoms.

Liz: They don't?

Mike: Nope.

Liz: I thought all the grocery stores had them.

Mike: Not this one. I even asked at the pharmacy counter and they said no.

Liz: Peculiar.

Mike: Maybe it's the Catholic grocery store.

Liz: What, do they sell calendars instead?

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7 Comments:

Blogger BabelBabe said...

ok. between the bloody nipples and the calendar? Are you REALLY that quick, or do you do what i do and retro-fit my clever comments? because if you are that funny that spontaneously, i am coming to live with you. (I have experience with babies.)

8:19 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Swear they are real. However- I don't post most of the boring, unfunny conversations I have on a regular basis, so my sense of humor is probably way over-glorified on this blog.

BTW, the teenage girls looked at me like I was insane. Hoping I scared the shit out of them, right there by the display of assorted squashes.

8:54 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

Bleeding nipples, hee hee. I love it.

10:06 PM  
Anonymous Betsy said...

Along with bleeding nipples, tell them that your social life is now trips to the grocery store. The ultimate sacrifice for a teenager.

I may enlist you to come and speak to my 8th graders.

7:10 AM  
Blogger His suzy said...

You may have just found the best teenage birth control ever!

I love how Lion's weight changed after he peed. lol

12:58 PM  
Blogger Roxanne said...

Can I come hang out with you at the grocery store? We could really kick some teenage butt. ;)


BTW, word verification...sorelerd

7:19 PM  
Blogger J.M. Tewkesbury said...

"Bloody nipples."

OMG, best come back (and birth control) ever to starry-eyed teens who find babies cute, but have no clue about raising one!

1:39 PM  

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