Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Fast Food

Lion, Alex and I were on a long walk this morning, enjoying the impossibly blue sky and sunny, cool breeze.

As we passed a section of forest, Alex stopped short. His stumpy tail slowly rose and then stood quivering at attention. He craned his neck and flared his nostrils as he inhaled the scent of something interesting. And just like that, he dove into the brush.

Two seconds later a few stray sticks and leaves went airborne as Alex reappeared, leaping victoriously to the sidewalk, an entire loaf of Italian bread clenched between his teeth.

An entire loaf of Italian bread.

And you thought dogs couldn't grin. This was practically the best day of his life, second only to the day he found a pepperoni Hot Pocket with only one bite missing at a school bus stop.

It makes you wonder. I mean, it's not as though we were anywhere in the vicinity of a bakery or grocery store. Exactly how does someone lose an entire loaf of Italian bread in the woods? Was it a lovers' picnic gone wrong? Could I hope to find a wheel of Brie nearby? Did someone else's husband underestimate the importance of the differences between Italian bread and baguette, driving his wife to complete and utter insanity?

I could see the car passing that exact spot, the automatic passenger-side window sliding down to reveal the wife's scarlet face, the golden loaf flying unceremoniously into the woods, the echoing Baguette! I said BAGUETTE! bouncing off the trees and mingling with the car's exhaust as they disappear from sight.

How do you think the bread got there? And what's the weirdest thing you ever found when you were out walking?

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Sunday, September 27, 2009

Stupid pet tricks


Liz: I can't tell you how weird it is to see Lion walking around the house.


Mike: I know. I see him crossing the room and I have to do a double-take.


Liz: It's like he's a miniature human!


Mike: He is a miniature human.


Liz: I know. I just can't explain what I mean.


Mike: It's like watching a dog walk around on his hind legs.


Liz: YES! Exactly.

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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

You'll never believe what I saw in Safeway yesterday

You know how sometimes you're at a party and the conversation is flowing and people are laughing and having a great time when all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, everyone stops talking at the exact same moment and there's this awkward silence? And as the seconds tick by it becomes more and more awkward and someone should say something, but everyone's waiting for someone else to say the something, and then- blessed Jesus- someone says, "Oh my god, so you'll never believe what I saw in Safeway yesterday...", and everyone laughs gratefully and pretends that the silence never existed.

Crisis averted.

Things have been strange around here. See, we went to the beach for Labor Day weekend and while we were there, a real crisis was averted. A tragedy, actually. A family member (or three family members, perhaps) almost drowned right in front of me.

A riptide was to blame. Once I swam out to the person in trouble (who I initially thought was having a heart attack) and realized that we were caught, I wasn't really worried about myself. I'm an excellent swimmer and I know what to do if I get caught in a riptide. But as I was out there, with no flotation device and a very tired man who kept saying, "I'm not going to make it, I'm not going to make it," plus two other family members who had followed me out there and were also exhausted and panicking, I felt certain that there was going to be a tragic outcome. I remember a giant swell washing over my head, and as I turned toward shore and screamed for someone to get a boogie board, I could see all the people who had been playing in the sand and surf just minutes before gathered at the water's edge.

They were expecting a tragedy, too.

There wasn't one, thankfully. After it was all over, after we had returned home, I kept going back and forth about whether I wanted to talk about it here. I decided against it. But ever since then, every time I've tried to come up with a post about the annoying house painters, or how I broke our camera by dropping it on a tile floor, or how my son is suddenly walking everywhere and getting into everything, it just seemed silly, and I'd hit DELETE POST.

Maybe now that I've gotten it out of my head I'll be able to return to my usual nonsense.

So! To be completely honest, I haven't seen anything weird in the grocery store lately. Aside from the locked display case of black truffles in the produce section, that is. I mean, other people might look to the stock market or real estate trends or employment levels for signs of economic recovery. Me? I look to the produce section. If the local grocey store is stocking truffles, things must be looking up.

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Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Seriously?

In case you were wondering...

And seriously, is my baby turning one this week?

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